Mirror, Mirror.

I am currently lying in bed trying to go to sleep but I just can't. I feel filthy. Dirty. Disgusting. And yes, in case you're wondering, I've showered today. 

I have not written in this blog in over a year. I have not felt the need to continue with it as I feel that it has served (and still is serving) its purpose as a springboard to shine God's glory through my life.  

But tonight I feel differently.

Tonight, I feel the need to write. 

And tonight I feel the need to apologize. 

The façade I've been showing people is just too much for me to keep up with. I am not this well, put-together Christian that I may seem. In fact, I am so much of a hypocrite that I can't even stand myself. I have in recent weeks become victim to my personal sin. I've fallen short, willingly allowing myself to get even an ounce of that drug-inducing high of lustful pleasure. To all those people who have been waiting to for me to stumble and fall, not ever believing that I truly have changed, there you have it. I've failed. 

And I want to apologize for that. For being a hypocrite. For honoring God in my words, but not always in my thoughts or actions. For not letting my life be an example of the grace that God has shown me. For not honoring Him in every aspect of my life. For not being able to keep myself above water. For not being able to do it on my own. I feel disgusting, warped, broken. I've become another case of another hypocritical Christian, claiming one thing in the light, but doing its opposite in the shadows. I'm sorry to those people. So incredibly sorry. More importantly, I'm sorry to the One who I am making a mockery of His amazing grace. 

Today in church I was so convicted by this simple question: Does your life establish or destroy the credibility of the Gospel? I've been trying so hard to look into a mirror and not notice the glaring, filthy mess that is my life. I keep thinking that this time it'll be different. I'll look in another mirror and see someone who is clean. So I keep seeking more and more mirrors to pretend I don't see the dark smudges across my face. But in the end, my smudges are still there. Still clearly apparent and a constant reminder that I am not clean. So are my actions honoring Christ? Are they showing people the credibility of the Gospel? Absolutely not. 

But as I learned in the sermon at church this morning, "Mirrors are meant to lead you to the sink." I am never going to get clean by looking in more mirrors. I am only going to become clean by washing my face in the sink. But a sink without water does me no good. I can wipe and smear away at my smudges but that just makes me filthier. The only way I can become clean is through the saving grace of Jesus. He is the water in the sink who cleanses so thoroughly, that even God himself looks at me and sees me without blemish. What an incredible picture of the Gospel! 1 Corinthians 6:9-11 says, 

"Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God." 

Notice Paul's use of the past tense. Such were some of you. You were washed, were sanctified, etc. As I read that this morning a shudder went down my spine. I am washed. I am clean. Jesus already took my place in court. I no longer have to stand judgement in a court of God's law because He sees Jesus in my place on the bench. He has already planted flags of dominion over my life (as my pastor says) though my sinful self constantly retaliates against Him. He has already washed me white as snow. Isaiah 1:18 says,

"Come now, let us reason together, says the Lord: 

though your sins are like scarlet, 

they shall be as white as snow; 

though they are red like crimson, 

they shall become like wool." 

Now this does not allow me to get off scot-free. I still dishonor and break God's laws every time I sin. So this isn't a call for me to be able to do whatever I want and still get God's grace. 

In fact, it is a springboard to do things that honor and please God, not because marking things off of a checklist will get me into heaven, but because of my love for the Lord I actively want to honor Him. As a Christian, I am constantly reminded of the weight of my sin and it makes me feel disgusting and dirty. But as I grow in my knowledge of Christ's work in my life and the grace He has freely extended me, God becomes larger and larger making me feel cleaner and cleaner. Paul also mentions this in 2 Corinthians 12:9-10: 

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.'"

Of course, I am not perfect and will not get it right every time. I think that this post supports that statement. I was just so convicted and encouraged in the same sermon this morning, that I felt compelled to write about my journey a bit further. When I am at my weakest, or rather my dirtiest, I will look go Jesus who is the only person who can cleanse my sin. I want to live my life that honor and pleases God so that when I look in the mirror or when someone else looks in the mirror behind me, that I am clean and shine God's glory to everyone I come in contact with. Sure, I will stumble and fall and get my face dirty. But when I look in the mirror and see those smudges on my face, I will be pointed to Jesus who picks me up and leads me to the sink to wash my face and starts me on my journey again, never leaving my side. 

Turning Frustration into Fruition

I need to be honest with you. I have been incredibly frustrated in my faith these past couple of months. I can't believe that my last post was in October. I don't usually have the urge to write, so when I do, I know it is an act of God. He has taught me so much in the past few days that I am led to share them with you. 

Since my last post, it seems like EVERYONE on Facebook got engaged. From my best friend, to distant friends I hardly speak with, it seemed like a never-ending news feed of congratulations and engagement rings. I suppose I'm at that age where people start getting engaged all of a sudden, I don't know. And don't get me wrong, I'm so excited for all of them! It was just kind of overwhelming. I think this the point that began my frustrations in my faith. I think I have mentioned before that even though I struggle with same-sex attraction (SSA), it has always been my desire and dream to have a wife and hundreds of kids. Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a bit, but I do want a lot of kids. But there I was single, struggling with SSA, and wanting to be different. There wasn't a day that went by that I didn't pray asking for God to take this away from me because I didn't want to carry it anymore. It was getting too big for me and I didn't feel I had the strength anymore to endure its weight. I still don't understand why God would provide a desire in my mind that is pleasing to Him and then give me the EXACT opposite of what I wanted. But this is the life I have, and I'm still struggling through it. I wanted my life to be easy like it seemed everyone else’s was. So I was frustrated because nothing was changing. I was in His word, prayed more than I ever remember praying, I was serving frequently at church, and I was in constant community with fellow Christians outside of the church. So why was nothing happening? Why did I not feel a change in my desires? 

It was at this point that I started slipping from frustration into a fit of anger, because I felt like I was doing everything right! And let me say that I was never feeling like this was a "laundry list" of things I had to do in order to be changed. It was something that I wanted to do, so it never seemed like work. But even still. No change in my heart.

It was then that I went to my pastor. I often try to solve all of my problems myself, and never seek counsel as I should, but at this point I was at a complete loss. I met with him one day and we talked about my frustrations. I always seem to think (mainly due to societal pressures) that my sin is greater than everyone else's. That SSA is worse than heterosexual sin. And so I get so caught up in that thought that I become confused and think I am not worthy of God's grace. These were dark times for me because I sensed that God was far from me. This sounds preposterous to me now because it was not God that was "far" away. It was me. I let worldly influence place a dense and misty fog over my relationship with God, making it hard to see His grace and influence over my life clearly. The harder I strained to see Him, the more frustrated I became. 

I am constantly amazed that God hasn't given up on me yet (and incredibly thankful that He NEVER will). One day my pastor sent me a sermon that he found particularly timely due to our talk earlier in the week. After I listened to it, it was like the sun rose over the horizon and all the fog that once shrouded my mind immediately dispersed. I clearly saw that I had the wrong mindset. The main point of the sermon was summed up in this sentence: "The goal is not heterosexuality, the goal is holiness." My perspective was shattered. I had my mind set on that the only thing that would change my situation was a change in my sexuality, but that's just it. I was reverting back to having my identity in my sexuality and not on Christ. My goal was a change in sexuality, not a change in my holiness. I fell to my knees in prayer, asking God to create in me the newness of His image, of His holiness. I would much rather have people look upon my holiness than looking at my sexual orientation.

I was reminded of my favorite verse throughout all of this frustration that always speaks to me when I am at a low point in my life. 

     "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

-2 Corinthians 12:9-10

I, at times, forget the context of this verse and its powerful message. Right before that passage, Paul said, "So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from being conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me" (2 Cor. 12:7-8). Paul was like any one of us. His "thorn" tormented him so much that he asked God to take it away from him multiple times. How many times have I asked for my desires to change, for my life to be different? How many prayers of mine have seemingly gone unnoticed by the One who hears them all? We do not know what particular "thorn" Paul was dealing with, but essentially it doesn't matter. In fact, what was the reason he was given it? To keep him from boasting. He wasn't perfect. He was tempted and tried just like we are today. The Bible never tells us if Paul's thorn was taken out as much as he wanted it to be. He was never given a guarantee. And neither am I. As much as it frustrates me, my sanctification process (becoming more like Jesus) is not on my own personal schedule. I can't do any of the changing. My desires may continue to gradually decrease, or they may come and go, or the may even leave all together (fingers crossed on that one), but I'm never guaranteed. The only guarantee I have is that God's grace is enough for me. It was given to me freely when I thought I wasn't good enough for God's love, grace, and mercy. So, like Paul, I will boast in my weaknesses. I will boast in the fact that I once was a homosexual. I will boast that I am not perfect. I will boast in the everlasting grace that sent my life in a radically different direction. I will boast in Jesus. I will boast for God's glory to be shown throughout my story and my life.

So right now I'm in transition. My frustrations are melting away as I get closer and closer to the amazing reality of Jesus. I want Jesus' power and glory to ooze out of every crack/corner of my story. Because it surely wasn't my doing. It was all Jesus. 

I can positively say that my desires have since decreased exponentially again and I had my first real date with a woman this past weekend. It was super fun. I can't wait to see what God has in store for me. I just need to keep reminding myself that His grace is sufficient... even when I think it's not.

Links to the sermon and the article!

http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/same-sex-attraction-and-the-wait-for-change

http://www.fellowshipmemphis.org/media/the-gospel-and-gays/

Remember Who You Are

 
If you know anything about me at all, you must know that I'm a total Disney fanatic. I mean, I grew up with Disney. How could I not love it? My favorite movie is Peter Pan (just in case you were wondering). You can constantly find me quoting pretty much any Disney movie out there or singing a song from one of them. In fact, I'm pretty sure my mind associates real-life attributes to Disney movies when trying to deal with life.

Anyways, I was listening to this past week's sermon (we're studying 1 Peter) at my church and my pastor said, "Be who you are in Christ." The scene from The Lion King (in the clip above) quickly  flashed over my mind. My pastor was saying that Peter calls us to be holy. Now, he's not telling us what we should be doing. He's just saying, "Be who you are in Christ," which has a completely different view of how we should be living our lives. We shouldn't be thinking that God is making us a list of do's and dont's. He isn't making us work for Himself like some employer. That is a backwards view of the Gospel. We don't have to work ourselves crazy up some mystical ladder to reach God's approval because His approval is freely given to us. I don't have to make some checklist of things to do in order for God to love me more because regardless of what I do, He still loves me. That is amazing grace, people.

Now let's take a look at the video clip. Looking back at it, I've never noticed the (whether intended or not) biblical connections throughout the scene. If you know anything about The Lion King you know that Rafiki (the baboon) told Simba that he knew where his father was. Simba had forgotten who he was. Probably not literally, but he was avoiding going back and taking his place as the true King of Pride Rock.

When Rafiki told Simba to look down into the water and he didn't see his father, Rafiki tells him to look harder. I think that Simba was struggling with his identity, much like I have. It was hard for Simba to see who he really was because he was so blinded by his own view of himself. Simba was frustrated because when he initially looked into the water, he only saw the reflection of himself. It was only when Rafiki made Simba look harder, that Simba saw his father in his reflection. Rafiki says, "You see, he lives in you..." in which Simba's eyes were opened to the truth. That's a weird concept to imagine. The Holy Spirit (who is God) lives inside of we who are Christians. Wouldn't that seem to be a bit of an incentive to make sure we live in such a way that we glorify God?

However, I think we often forget that we are a reflection of God. We are so blinded by our own identities that we shape ourselves within a cocoon of various facades to hide our inner shame and guilt. This is not how God intended us to live. We were created in his own image (Gen. 1:27)! It seems so silly that we look to wordly things for our approvals/identities, when the only one that really matters is God. Don't get me wrong. I am in no means just talking to other people. I am figuratively slapping myself in the face as I type this. This message I am writing is just as important for me to hear as anyone else.

The scene from The Lion King goes on show an image of Mufasa appearing to Simba in which Mufasa says, "You have forgotten who you are and so have forgotten me. Look inside yourself, Simba. You are more than what you have become. You must take your place in the circle of life."

*Cue the beginning of the movie in my head.*

 "Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaants ingonyama bagithi Baba!"

 
I don't know about you, but there are several times when I forget who I am. I'm not a perfect Christian. There isn't such a thing. But what I know is that who I am is no longer a homosexual. Who I am is a sinner saved by the grace of God. I am a Christian. I am a child of God. I should never forget that, but the truth is, at times I do. When I forget these truths for myself, I tend to forget or stray from where I should be.

Simba goes on to say, "How can I go back? I'm not who I used to be." Now I may be taking this out of context at little (Simba's situation is a bit different from mine), but when I ask myself that question, chills run through my body. Why do I go back to my futile ways? If I'm not who I used to be, then why do I? Well, again, I fall short on a daily basis. I'm flawed in my walk with Christ. But I'm so thankful to have a God who still calls me His son (much like Mufasa says to Simba) even when I forget who I am.

Thank you, Jesus (and Disney).


Dear Jesus,

You are amazing and glorious and powerful. Thank you for your grace and mercy on me. I know that if it was me in your place, I would have already given up on someone who constantly messes up. Thank you for not leaving me. Please instill in my heart a desire to grow in you more and become more like you and to just be who I am in you. I love you so much for thinking of saving me from my sin, even when I will never be worthy enough to deserve it. Thank you for changing my life.

An update, of sorts.

I can't sleep. But it is understandable considering my mind is running on all cylinders between school starting, keeping up with my part-time job, and being the children's ministry director of a church plant. I have been a bit busy! Sorry I haven't posted in a while. Things are starting to pick up now, but that doesn't mean Jesus isn't there! My classroom is finished and school starts today. I'm incredibly excited to begin teaching these children and to be a light to them as best as I can be.

Recently, the pastor at my old church gave a sermon on the Gospel and homosexuality. I urge you to listen to it. It is beautiful, loving, and Biblically sound in how he approaches this extremely touchy subject. Again, please listen to it. Not only is it about the Gospel and homosexuality and what the Bible says about that particular sin, but he goes in depth also about what the Gospel says about ALL sin. It's pretty powerful stuff. Listen to it with an open and understanding heart. 

Anyways, the church was going to be having a Q&A session regarding the subject where they could answer people's questions on a more intimate and personal level. I felt a strong need to speak at this session, so I prayed to God for guidance in this situation for a while. I asked my pastor if he wanted me to give my testimony at the session. Of course, he thought that it would be a great benefit to the session to have someone who once was a member of the church and has struggled with same-sex attraction, so I drove down one night to speak. 

Let me tell you... It is much more frightening to give your full testimony in person than over a computer screen to thousands of people on social media who you don't even know. And this is coming from a person who is extremely comfortable with speaking with people and has been trained as a performer. I was still shaking in bones as I walked up to the pulpit to speak. My words were shaky as they flowed from my mouth and before I knew it, I was done. It was all a blur as I walked back to my seat. I had no idea how the congregation took my testimony or even if I made any sense. I am extremely self-conscious that my words are not enough to convey the feelings and thoughts of my mind as I compose them into sentences. God is slowly teaching me otherwise. After my adrenaline had subsided and my heart rate calmed, I actually started to truly listen to the questions and answers that were being given. 

One woman in particular was feeling completely lost in her situation as it was similar to my story except her perspective was a little different. I don't want to give too much detail about her situation as it is hers and not mine to tell. I immediately knew I had to chime in to the answer in addition to what both of my pastors were giving. I told her how, now that I look back on it, the people that God placed in my life to help lead me to Jesus (even when I was rejecting them and how angry and uncomfortable I was with them when they confronted me about it), that without their efforts of planting the seeds of the Gospel in my ears, I wouldn't be where I am today. And I can't seem to thank them enough. 

The reason I'm telling you this is because I think that we get bogged down when preaching the Gospel to seemingly unwilling hearts so much so that we begin to think our efforts are futile. 

Don't. 

If my friends and family didn't constantly preach the Gospel to me and care my spiritual resting place even when I didn't want to listen, those seeds wouldn't have been planted and I wouldn't have thought about it further. Those seeds wouldn't had a chance at catching the fertile ground and taking root in my life. And then the events that eventually led me to Jesus may or may not have led me to Jesus. Thank goodness that He has the bigger plans for my life. 

After the session I was bombarded by people who wanted to ask further questions of me (which I thought was silly considering we were all attending a Q&A session in which they failed to ask their questions to the much more knowledgable pastors... I chuckled a bit on the drive home). The woman who I spoke to came up to me and simply gave me a hug and told me that I helped her more than I would know. I gave her some more contact information in case she needed anything else and then she left. 

I was extremely blessed by being able to be there. It encouraged me to see all of my old community group friends as well as my pastors. I had missed them so much!!! 

Anyways. Here is the link to the sermon I was talking about. Again I urge you to listen with an open and loving heart. 

http://www.insidecrosspointe.com/sermons/sermon/2013-07-14/the-gospel-and-homosexuality
 

Here's a link to the Q&A session audio:

http://www.insidecrosspointe.com/sermons/sermon/2013-07-31/midweek-fellowship:-homosexuality-qa
 

Dear Jesus,

Thank you for being so much bigger than I am and knowing better than I do. Please allow my words and the words of my pastor be of influence to everyone I come in contact with. Thank you for the people that led me to you.Thank you for taking my sinful, dead body out from the depths of the ocean and breathing life back into my lungs. Thank you for your innumerable amounts of grace that you have given me in my life to use for your glory. Amen. 

Clay Pot

"But who are you, O man, to answer back to God? Will what is molded say to its molder, 'Why have you made me like this?'" 
-Romans 9:20

I have been reading "The Explicit Gospel" by Mark Chandler as a part of my internship for my church. While reading, I came across this verse. I love it when Scripture slaps you across the face. 

There has been multiple times in my life where I've silently asked God, "Why have you made me like this?" And I think most of the people in my situation have done the same. They would probably say that they would never have chose to have these desires. I certainly didn't. But alas, there I was... a homosexual. I can remember fighting with my mom (once she found out, of course) that this wasn't a choice. Again, I'll say it. Why would anyone want to be like this? To be ridiculed by society and to just not be normal. Even today I can still see how rational the argument is. But I fought and fought and fought. I was so naïve. And now I seem to chuckle inwardly at my lack of knowledge. 

Once I truly became a Christian, every thing was seen in a new light. And thank you Jesus for it. I realized that it truly is a choice. I wasn't trying to justify why I was like this. The choice seemed simple: do I choose to follow Jesus or do I choose to follow my own selfish desires? And honestly, I sound like such a hypocrite (hence the blog name) because I once believed that it wasn't a choice and now I'm choosing to believe the latter. My choice in not giving in to my temptations has focused my eyes on Jesus and not anything else. "Seek His face," my mom always would say. I once hated when she would say that. However, now I cherish it and preach it to myself, daily. 

I think that the reason this particular scripture hit me so hard was because I had constantly asked that exact same question. And honestly, who am I to ask that of God. The God who molded me into existence. The God who knew me before the foundations of the earth, no the universe, even!!! And I have the gall to ask Him such a question? I was utterly baffled at my personal revelation. I think that sometimes we forget that God is God and now some fairy god-father who will sprinkle his magic on us when He sees fit. 

Recently, my pastor during a sermon said something profound (at least, to me). He said, "Where your identity lies, there you activity will follow," or some semblance of that. Think of that. When my identity was in homosexuality, I acted like a homosexual. I lived the lifestyle. I fell into temptations on numerous accounts. It would only make sense then, that if my identity was in Jesus (something I chose to do), then my activities would follow suit. And they have. I want read my Bible and pray and grow closer to Him. I want to have closer relationships with my church community and serve in my church. I want to be a Godly representation and have my testimony reach as many people as possible. I think that is why I harp on identity so much, and yet some people still don't understand me. I was recently told, "Oh, you're just a good little boy now." No, in fact I'm trying to be a Godly man. Not just some person who is morally good or hiding my unmentionable sins with some facade of a Christian. I have not been brainwashed to think differently.  

No, I have been radically transformed through God's freely given and marvelous grace. I don't have to make a checklist of good deeds like reading my Bible, being a good person, going to church, or being in a community group. I don't have to work for God to love me more. And I can't do anything to make God love me less because His grace is just handed to me. People may say, "Then why do you do it?" And I will confidently respond, "Where your identity lies, there your activities will follow." 

Think of it this way: if your best friend jumped in front of a car to push you out of its way and died, wouldn't you spend the rest of your life in honor and reverence of your friend, making sure that you wouldn't taint their name in any way? Jesus did the same thing. He died on the cross for your sins. Not just past sins, but present AND future. If you knew that He did that, pushed you out of harms way and died for you... shouldn't you give Him everything? Wouldn't you want to make sure that His name is honored until you die? This is exactly how I see my relationship with Jesus. He saved me. Now I'm going to live the rest of my life in honor of His glorious and marvelous name. What about you?

Dear sweet and wonderful Jesus,
I am the clay and You are the Potter. Who am I to ask anything? "For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away" (James 4:14). I cannot thank You enough for what You have done for me. Please let the small time I have on this earth be for Your precious glory and not my own, for who am I?
Love, Casey

Wise Words from a Child

     I teach recreational gymnastics on Monday and Wednesday nights as a side job to teaching music in the classroom. I have this one boy in my class who is just the cutest thing in the world (it probably doesn't hurt his case that he has vibrant red hair). He loves Peter Pan (that's who he was for Halloween), superheros, and singing. I constantly catch him singing "Following the Leader" from Peter Pan or "Jesus Loves Me." Could he be any more sweet?! He is an excellent student, however, he has one problem. He has trouble with waiting to take turns. While this seems petty to us, I'm constantly having to remind him to sit down and wait his turn. This proves somewhat effective.
     At one point during the class he ended up cutting in line. I decided to set him aside and talk to him about patience and what it meant to be patient and wait his turn. When I asked him what patience was, he responded with words that were clearly beyond his years. He said, "Patience means waiting even when you don't want to." I was so taken aback by the simple wisdom of his words and started to tear up a little. I probably will never forget his words.
     I consider myself a pretty patient person. I mean, I work with children all day. I kind of have to be patient. Don't get me wrong, I can be extremely impatient if something doesn't go my way. Anyways, my student's words struck a chord with me in particular.
     I've recently been a bit down about my relationship status. I see tons of people around me getting married, having kids, or just being in a relationship. I feel like I'm about 10 steps behind all of them. I feel like I have this intimate and personal battle that has to be "fixed" before I can be in a relationship with a woman. And I'm glad that God has shown me my desire to be in a relationship with a woman regardless of my past. However, I just feel like it's going to get in the way of any potential relationship I have in the future. And I get annoyed that it doesn't seem like anything is happening. I've been impatient. I think that God used that little boy's words to remind me of my own impatience. As much as I want to be in a relationship, I need to be much more worried about my relationship with God. It's not in my timing, it's in His. And I think that is something that we all forget on a daily basis. I can't know what God has in store for me. But I can trust that He knows what is best for me... even if I don't want to wait.

"Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him;
 Do not fret because of him who prospers in his way,
 Because of the man who brings wicked schemes to pass.
 Cease from anger, and forsake wrath;
 Do not fret- it only causes harm.
 For evildoers shall be cut off;
 But those who wait on the Lord,
 They shall inherit the earth."
-Psalm 37:7-9

You're A Dog

I recently listened to a sermon about a particular story where Jesus essentially calls a woman a dog.

     "From there He arose and went to the region of Tyre and Sidon. And He entered a house and wanted no one to know it, but He could not be hidden. For a woman whose young daughter had an unlcean spirit heard about Him, and she came and fell at His feet. The woman was a Greek, a Syrophoenician by birth, and she kept asking Him to cast the demon out of her daughter. But Jesus said, 'Let the children be filled first, for it is not good to take the children's bread and throw it to the little dogs.' And she answered and said to Him, 'Yes, Lord, yet even the little dogs under the table eat from the children's crumbs.' Then He said to her, 'For this saying go your way; the demon has gone out of your daughter.' And when she had come to her house, she found the demon gone out, and her daughter lying on the bed."(Mark 7:24-30)

Jesus sounds kind of harsh. Here this woman, a Gentile, is begging for her daughter to be healed by Jesus. He responds by calling her a dog and that she isn't even worthy of eating the childrens' scraps of food. (The children here are meaning Jews). If you would call a woman a dog in today's age, just think of the consequences! But back in those days there definitely was a prejudice in regards to women and people who weren't Jews.

I think that it is also important to note that she approached Jesus begging being a woman AND a Gentile. She broke a lot of social and cultural rules to do this. That took a lot of courage. Notice something though. Jesus was being harsh and rude, yes, but not in a mean spirited way (He was perfect, so he must have known what he was saying). He was testing her. I think that Jesus' "rudeness" was His way of testing her faith because He could see her fear. And she knew who she was and how scandalous it was for her to be even talking to Jesus. So He said, "Let the children be filled first, for it is not good to take the children's bread and throw it to the little dogs." But instead of protesting Jesus, she humbled herself enough by agreeing with Jesus. She said, "Yes, Lord, yet even the little dogs under the table eat from the children's crumbs." Wow. To have her courage! She responded by saying that she would take whatever Jesus would be willing to give her, even if it's the scraps. She saw herself as someone in need of a savior and saw Christ as that savior. He was her only refuge and she also knew she was unworthy so she humbled herself before Him as we try (and often fail) to do every day. 

I think that the reason I relate to this story so much, is that she finds her identity in Jesus. She was so enamored by who Jesus was that she broke her social and cultural barriers because she identified in Him. And not only that, but she identified herself as one of the dogs. And Jesus, so surprised by her faith, heals her daughter of the demon. The sacrifice that she gave to be near and talk to Jesus speaks to me so plainly. There is so much of a social stigma towards the choice I've made. A lot of people still don't understand that I'm not a homosexual anymore. And to be honest, I still struggle with it when people keep assuming that I'm just hiding behind some facade. I've chosen Jesus and not my sinful flesh or who I was before choosing Him. She chose Jesus and not who she was before choosing Him. She accepted who she was and gave herself to Jesus. I am doing the same thing. I accepted that I was a homosexual sinner and gave it to Jesus. He is continually changing me day by day and I can't give Him enough of the honor and praise that He truly deserves. Thank you, Jesus.

We're all dogs looking for scraps. Jesus offers us a never-ending bowl of Purina Dog Chow if we choose to accept it.

It's Not About Us

I recently listened to a sermon where a main point was essentially, "Jesus' power may benefit us, but it's not solely about us."

I constantly had to be told by my mother when I was growing up, "It's not about you!" I thought the world revolved around me in most aspects of my life. And even now, at times I get caught up in my own worries and temptations that I forget that Jesus has the power to handle them. I forget to turn to Jesus for my refuge and strength. I tend to do this when I am stressed and worried about whatever my mind is focusing on.

When I listened to this sermon I was spiritually slapped in the face. I knew that Jesus' power could solve any of my problems. However, I failed to understand that Jesus' power is only a benefit of my life. Again, it's not and still isn't about me.

We all know that Jesus has the power over all things. He is all-powerful. Duh, He's Jesus. I think that as Americans in particular we tend to be so self-centered that even when Jesus does help us in our time of need, we mark it off as something we did. In reality, Jesus doesn't have to. He does because He loves us (even enough to die on the cross for us).

After I published my blog to the Facebook in early February, I noticed one thing in particular. People kept saying how inspiring/wonderful/courageous/amazing I was. I never really thought that I had done anything amazing in particular. I mean, I was just being honest and telling my story. No one really seemed to be mentioning that Jesus deserves all the glory. It wasn't me that got more than 5,000 people to read my story. It was Jesus. Once I listened to this sermon I saw the correlation of the truth in the main point and in my salvation.

Jesus saved me for my benefit. He didn't have to. He could have chosen someone else. But he reached down to my "dead and powerless body at the bottom of the ocean," as my pastor says, and "breathed life into it." I mean how beneficial is that to be given life again!?

But it still wasn't about me. I didn't feel like any recognition needed (or still needs) to go to me. Jesus transformed my life, not for any glory of mine, but to show people HIS glory and power. It's not about me. It's all about Him. He is showing me day by day the immeasurable grace, mercy, and love that can only come through His saving power. Amen, and thank you Jesus.
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In other news, I found this band from a friend and I have not stopped listening to this mash-up!!!

Temptations

It's been a while since I have written. It's not that I haven't wanted to write. I just couldn't think of what to say and felt that I should wait to see what God wanted to reveal to me before I wrote anything. 

I realized over the past weeks how much trash I fill my mind with in the morning by listening to the radio. Whereas it is funny and enjoyable to listen to in the morning, I noticed that subsequently I started to think of things I really shouldn't throughout my day. It came to my attention that what I listened to in the morning carried over throught my day. My mom always used to say "What you put in your mind/ears you put in your heart." I never thought she was right until recently. So I decided that it was time for a change. I felt that I needed to start my day off with Jesus, but I have an extremely hard time in the morning getting up and staying focused. I have tried to read my Bible in the mornings but essentially I was mindlessly reading and not really absorbing what the Bible was saying. It basically ended up becoming another thing to do on my checklist, which isn't how it should be.

When I went to visit a friend, she mentioned that our old church had a podcast and that I could listen to their sermons every week. I decided that this was how I was going to spend my mornings. So every morning on the way to work, I listen to a sermon on the podcast. It has become increasingly evident that my days just seem to go better when they start off with Jesus. I also noticed that I actually was excited to hear the next sermon each morning and it really hasn't felt like a task that I have to do. I want to read the Bible and I want to listen to sermons. My pastor now says that the Jesus and the Gospel gives you new desires when you give your life to Him. I can finally see it and feel it.  

Anyways, this one sermon in particular struck a chord with me. Did you get my musical pun? :P It's about Jesus (obviously, as the whole Bible points to Him). But it deals with temptation towards the end.

I've always been told that being a Christian wasn't going to be easy. I can definitely see that now. The sermon I listened to was over Mark 1:9-13 concerning Jesus' baptism and being tempted by Satan. I urge you to listen to this sermon. It is just fantastic, and just what I needed to hear earlier last week. I'll put a link below. Anyways, the Bible says that,

     "Immediately the Spirit drove Him into the wilderness. And He was there in the wilderness forty days, tempted by Satan, and was with the wild beasts; and the angels ministered to Him."
                                                  -Mark 1:12-13

I noticed some similarities between Jesus' temptation and my own (weird, right). I found once I became a true Christian I was tempted more than I was previously. I seemed to be getting swamped with more attention from guys than I had ever had before. And at that point it was very uncomfortable. 'Being a Christian will not be easy' keeps popping into my head as I type this. These were severe temptations that were crashing against the weak rock that was my previous life. I found it so hard not to give in (though I must admit that I did at times). It came to my attention through this sermon however, that Jesus was tempted. Think about that. Jesus. Creator of the Universe (and me...) was tempted. So it should make sense that I would be and will be.

I find that oddly comforting. I mean, obviously Jesus resisted His temptation. I mean, He's perfect. And obviously, I will not get it right every time. But to know that Jesus was once tempted? Wow. That's amazing. He felt the same things I feel when I'm being tempted. It blows my mind.

I'm getting off topic a bit. Once I had noticed that I was being tempted more often and more strongly, I wondered why. Apparently God was waiting to let me in on the secret. That's when I listened to this sermon. So why are temptations so strong for Christians? "Before we were Christians, we were dead in our sin. We didn't have really any conviction except for worldly consequences of your sin" (from the sermon).

Once believing in Jesus, we are able to "feel" the true consequences of our temptations and sins... and it hurts. It's like when we drink orange juice right after brushing our teeth. If you haven't tried it, you don't know how bad it is until you do it. It's nasty. Sorry for that really strange analogy...

During the sermon, a quote from Russell Moore's book, Tempted and Tried, is quoted about why temptation is so strong for Christians. Here it is:

     "Temptation is so strong in our lives precisely because it's not about us. Temptation is an assault by the demonic powers on the rival empire of the Messiah. That's why conversion to Christ doesn't diminish the power of temptation- as we often assume- but actually, counterintuitively, ratchets it up. If you bear the Spirit of the One the powers rage against, they will seek to tear down the icon of the Crucified they see embedded in you (1 Pet. 4:14, Rev. 12:17). Ultimately, the agony of temptation is not about you or me. We're targeted because we resemble Jesus, our firstborn brother. We all, whether believers or not, bear some resemblance to Jesus because we share with him a human nature in the image of God. As we come to find peace with God through Jesus, though, we begin a journey of being conformed more and more into the image of Christ (Rom. 8:29). The demons shriek in the increasing glory of that light, and they'll seek even more frenetically to put it out of their sight." (p. 21)

Powerful stuff right there! I can't seem to explain it any better than that. Because once we choose Jesus, we are then becoming more increasingly like Him. And Satan will stop at nothing to tempt you to try and bring you back down to his level, not Jesus'. That's why I felt more tempted than I previously had before.

If you do fall down into temptation, Jesus is there to pick you up. When we are tempted we are not fighting alone. We have Jesus on our side. Because he took our sins on the cross, Jesus is our full representative. That's what the Gospel is all about. Jesus traded His righteousness for our sin. Martin Luther called it "The Great Exchange." We no longer have to be defined by our sins and temptations because Jesus has taken them for us. I no longer have to be defined by my sexuality because as far as God sees me, I'm being represented by Jesus' righteousness. That is so beautiful to think about! How great is it that God looks onto my feeble self and sees Jesus. Again, my mind is blown. There doesn't seem to be enough thanks that I can give to God. He is so great and I am so undeserving of His mercy and grace!

 Here's the link I told you about!:
 Mark 1:9-13 Sermon

I love these memes about Jesus (because usually they're funny and true at the same time). I thought this was appropriate!:

Lover's Eyes

This is my favorite song on Mumford & Son's new album, Babel. At first glance of the title, I thought it was going to be some cute song about a girl's eyes and how they loved them. You know, your stereotypical love song. However, I was completely blown away at the subject area that this song was about. Here are the lyrics:

"Love was kind, for a time
Now just aches and it makes me blind
This mirror holds my eyes too bright
I can't see the others in my life
Were we too young? And heads too strong?
To bear the weight of these lover's eyes.
'Cause I feel numb, beneath your tongue
Neath the curse of these lover's eyes.

But do not ask the price I pay,
I must live with my quiet rage,
Tame the ghosts in my head,
That run wild and wish me dead.
Should you shake my ash to the wind
Lord, forget all of my sins
Oh, let me die where I lie
Neath the curse of my lover's eyes.

There's no drink nor drug I tried
To rid the curse of these lover's eyes
And I feel numb, beneath your tongue
Your strength just makes me feel less strong

But do not ask the price I pay,
I must live with my quiet rage,
Tame the ghosts in my head,
That run wild and wish me dead.
Should you shake my ash to the wind
Lord, forget all of my sins
Oh, let me die where I lie
Neath the curse of my lover's eyes.

And I'll walk slow, I'll walk slow
Take my hand, help me on my way.
And I'll walk slow, I'll walk slow
Take my hand, I'll be on my way."

See what I mean? It's a not a true love song... or is it?

The "love" that is talked about in this song, in my opinion, is the love that we have for our sin. Imagine your sin as a person. He/she is epitomized as your sin, if it could take on a physical form. This person is attractive, personable, funny, loving, and caring. Or insert your favorite personality traits that make a particular person attractive and pleasurable to be around. (I mean, isn't sin pleasurable? It's fun and exciting.) Again, you are completely enamored with her/him. But this person is secretly seductive and evil. He/she keeps you from being focused on other things that should be of more importance. You are completely love drunk. 

I recently watched an episode of The Bachelor. *Please note that I do not condone watching this show as I lost 30 IQ points from sitting and watching it.* Anyways, this one girl in particular was with the bachelor, showing herself off and being all sweet, coy, and seductive. However, when she was with the other girls on the show, she was completely rude, arrogant, and self-gratifying. Some of the girls were completely fed up and disgusted with her attitude that they went to the bachelor and told him how she was acting away from him and how she treated the other girls. When the bachelor heard this he was flabbergasted that she acted in such a way towards the other girls because he had never seen her otherwise as attractive and nice. He acted all sad about it (though I swear this show is fixed and scripted), but when he confronted this particular girl, he was so enraptured by her "attractiveness and personality" when she was with him and despite what they said, she ended up getting a rose. For those of you who don't watch the show (50 points to you), if you get a rose at the end of the night you get to stay another week and try to win the heart of the bachelor. Ridiculous, I know.

As weird of a metaphor as this is, it paints a picture of how we love our sin and how Jesus wants us to turn from our sin and look to Him. Our sin is the attractive girl and we as sinners are the bachelor. Jesus is like the girls who brought the attention of the attractive girl's motives. Yet as sinners (the bachelor), we don't sometimes listen to what Jesus (the good girls) has to say and continue further with our sin. Does that make sense? I hope it does.

Anyways back to the song, this is what it is like to love your sin. This happens regardless of what kind of sin it is. The love that you have for your sin is blinding and unhealthy in your relationship with Jesus. Now I'm not saying that once your in a relationship with Jesus that it all goes away. I think I would be the first to testify against that. But when the song says: "There's no drink nor drug I tried, To rid the curse of these lover's eyes. And I feel numb, beneath your tongue. Your strength just makes me feel less strong," there is nothing that you can do that will change the grip that sin has on our lives because it is in our nature. The Devil wants you to sin, in fact, he encourages you to sin (hence, temptation). You can try to hide it, you can try to fake it, you can try to cover it up, but eventually you will not be able to take it. And when you do? You will break and Jesus will be there to pick you up. "And I'll walk slow, I'll walk slow. Take my hand, help me on my way." Does he expect you to be perfect? No. Because you can't be. In the meantime, we just trust that Jesus will help us "tame the ghosts in my head that run wild and wish me dead."

I'm so grateful that God looks to me and doesn't see me as the sinner that I still am. I surely do not deserve it. But He does it anyways. God is so good.

Other Thoughts

I've gotten many messages from friends showing their concern for my happiness. I think that this is something that people are perceiving as me being forced into. It's exactly the opposite. I am willingly choosing to follow Jesus. This sounds highly hypocritical because in the past I've fought long and hard that it isn't a choice, and I was born this way. It's funny how God works. I'm not unhappy and I haven't been brainwashed to think differently. In fact, I don't think I've ever been more happy than how I feel right now. I don't have to worry about having two sides to my story anymore. I only have one, and it's living with Jesus. Have I been hurt before and will I get hurt in the future? Absolutely. But this is something that I've struggled with for a long time and I've weighed the options. I have been on both sides of the spectrum, so I think it gives me great insight on both fronts. 

I think people have mistaken me though, that I can be both gay and believe in God. It's like they still see me as a homosexual who is standing up for his faith. When in reality, I do not consider myself a homosexual at all anymore. That would be like serving two masters. Jesus said, "No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or else he will be loyal to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money" (Matthew 6:24). Insert your particular sin where money is in that verse. It's basically saying that one identity will preside over the other. I could either be gay and be a follower of God, or I could be a follower of God who once was gay. I choose the latter. 

People also keep telling me that I am a beautiful and wonderful person. Well, the Bible says I was "fearfully and wonderfully made" (Psalm 139). I understand that God must have made me this way, not to indulge in my fleshly desires, but to fall on my knees and worship Him, who created me. And through my temptations, I will be able to help people who are like me find Jesus. I hope to be a sliver of help in the gap that separates the intolerance that the Church is known for against homosexuals.

Other friends have said that I will be missing out on love, but what greater love is there than God's unconditional love? I mean, John 3:16, people! He sent His son to die for me? That gay kid? YES. That's love right there. That's the kind of love I'm down with accepting. Thank you, Jesus. But really, a thank you isn't enough. I'm giving you my LIFE. Please do with it as you please. I do not know what God has in store for me. If he plans for me to have love from a woman then so be it. But he may want me to live a life of solitude, in which I will still most gladly call Him my Savior and Lord. 

I have been sent many encouraging links to other sources, interview, and articles written by people who are going through the same thing I am. One, in particular, spoke very similar to what I am writing about, and answers some questions that I think people are thinking. It is also very beautifully written.

"First, everyone is a hypocrite, regardless of belief system. People such as Zinnia preach a message of tolerance and kindness to all, yet they are not tolerant of my beliefs and show me no kindness. That's hypocritical, is it not? With that said, you can either be a hypocrite under the grace of God or a hypocrite outside of the grace of God. As Christians, we acknowledge that we are hypocritical in word and action at times, and we acknowledge that we cannot be perfect. This is why we don't point to ourselves as models of perfection, but point to Christ as the ONLY perfection. On the Cross, Christ took on our sinful identity, and suffered the penalty we deserved. In turn, He offers his righteous identity to all who believe in Him. So Christians do fail and Christians do sin every single day, but the base of our faith in not ourselves or not ourselves. The base of our faith is Christ and His perfect obedience on our behalf. We are saved not because of anything we have or haven't done, but because of what Christ has done for us."

Read more at Matt Moore on being outed 

All for His Glory

I got home the day I posted my blog to find that this blog had reached 1,700 people within 12 hours. I sat on my couch in tears as I was fully realizing that God is seriously working in my life. I MEAN 1,700 IN TWELVE HOURS. COME ON PEOPLE. THAT'S CRAZY. The total since Thursday is over 3,000. I cannot take any credit for anything I have done. It is all for His glory. Thank you, Jesus. 

I also got several Facebook messages asking me questions regarding what I believe and what this means for my sexuality. I also think I need to clear up some loose-ends in the coming posts.

Here is my attempt to answer all these questions and thoughts in one. This is what I have come to believe:

Before there was anything, there was God. God saw fit to create the universe and all the things we see today, and it was good. 

     ***On a random side note, I have always thought it was super cool that God said, "Let there be light," (Gen. 1:3) before he even created the sun which was on the fourth day (Gen. 1:14-18).*** 

Anyways, I think we can all agree that what God created is good. Then God created man (Gen. 1:26-28, 2:7). He created man out of the "dust of the ground" and "breathed into his nostrils the breath of life..." At that moment, Adam entered into a relationship with God. What is so interesting about this is that God had not yet made Eve so Adam had not entered into a sexual relationship with anyone. Looking at that Scripture we see that our relationship with God precedes our sexuality. Then God said, "It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him" (Gen. 2:18). So he created woman while man was sleeping. This is important to realize: God created woman while man was sleeping (Gen 2:21). *Another cool note is that woman was the only thing to be created from something else. Everything else that God created he called into being, but with woman he created out of man.* Man did not know this was happening. This allowed the opportunity for woman and God to have that same personal relationship that man had with God. Sexuality still did not exist. It's only when God "brought her to the man" that sexuality began. (Gen. 2:22-25)

I bet you're thinking, "Where is he going with this?..."

Well, here's my first point. The biggest thing that I came to learn is that before there was any sexuality, both man and woman had a relationship with God. I realized after talking with my pastor who explained this to me, that in order to be truly dependent on God, I had to have a personal relationship with him before there was any sexuality. It was like God was slapping me in the face and saying, "Stop worrying about your sexuality and look at Me!!! You're putting your identity in your sexuality and not Me! How can you know Me when your worried about your sexuality?!" I think His handprint on my face left a mark because it changed me. I felt a huge release of relief. At this point, it didn't matter what my sexuality was. I only needed to lean on Jesus to restore me. From the moment I understood this, an almost immediate drop in ANY homosexual desires occurred. It was a miracle, of sorts. Or it was and still is to me, at least. The thoughts that once dominated my mind were basically... gone. I'm not saying that they were completely eliminated, but severely diminished. On a percentage scale, it would be like having homosexual desires at 80% and after coming to my realization, it dropped to maybe 20%. I mean, that's a big deal considering that men think about sex like ALL of the time, and that the gay community finds most of their identity in their sexuality. 

I remember my first homosexual thought after my realization. I was sitting in a church I had been visiting and after zoning out of the sermon, my mind... went places. It was hard to focus on the sermon and the more I tried not to think about it, the more the images grew. After I kind of snapped out of it and thought to myself, "You're in church, why are you thinking about this?!" I immediately saw it as a massive attack from the Devil to try and distract me from hearing God's word. I immediately and simply prayed, "God... help, help, help me through this." They were gone. I haven't been very good at prayer. I usually get distracted by my constantly moving mind. I finally saw what true prayer can do. It was amazing. 

So to answer the question plainly, where does this leave my sexuality? Well, in all honesty, I will never date another man. Do I find men more attractive than women at the moment? Yes to an extent. I'm hoping that changes with time as God works in me. I've always wanted the wife and kids with the house in the suburbs. (This is something that I've always thought strange). But any desire to be with a man, or think of a man in a homosexual way hardly crosses my mind now. And if it does? I pray for the strength to fight my temptations. I believe that everyone has that one sin deep down that they can't really tell anyone about. Mine just happens to be homosexuality. It is widely known that sins are equal (on both sides of the spectrum). Homosexual lust does not differ from heterosexual lust, (well except for one big difference). Homosexuality is the temptation, falling into that temptation is the sin.

My pastor showed me this testimony of a woman who had been a lesbian for decades. It's pretty powerful. Her last words hit home. It's chilling, and so true to my heart. They are:

"And my former life lurks in the edges of my heart, shiny and still like a knife."

Here's the link if you want to read:
Rosaria Butterfield's Testimony

Me? A Saint?

Today was the official first service of the new church plant I have been helping with. I must admit that I was having to hold back tears. It was incredibly moving to have been throughout the process since we found our church site and see what it is now. All the hard work, sweat, and time given has truly been a blessing. And it's all for God's glory. I had an amazing time worshipping with my family along side me. I hope they felt the same. 

The sermon started out with the question, "Who do you think you are?" Now, I could say who I am on the outside. That's easy. What the point was, is really "who are you on the inside" or "what do you identify with?" I've just learned from a friend that Mark Driscoll literally shouted that question to his church. That's pretty ballsy. Anyways, I had a talk with my pastor late last year regarding identity. Who was I before following Christ?

I was a homosexual, yet I hated being identified as one. That's pretty hypocritical, don't you think? I was both closeted and "out." I kept everything so secretive though. I was pretty good at it. After I made my change to follow Jesus, I noticed how hard it was to tell my friends (rather, it still is extremely hard). I had another friend go through the same ordeal and to hear people he considered friends mock and ridicule him behind his back seemed so cruel and awful. I think that is why I've been postponing it so much. I've been afraid of what people will think of me. It's such a stupid insecurity that I don't normally have except in this situation. I've been keeping one foot in the door in order to escape my friends judgemental thoughts and words. I've kept my identity as a homosexual.

I've wasted so much time worrying about what other people will think of me when I "announce" my choice to follow Jesus and not my sin that I've kept my identity with homosexuality in tact. God has finally revealed to me that in order to bash my previous identity and take on my new one, I had to let tell my story. This is one of the main reasons why I created this blog. I feel like I can now say that I can identify with Jesus. Following Him has become my new identity. I am a saint. I am a follower of Christ.

A Memoir: Episode 4

September 30, 2011. November 1, 2011. Two days that I'll also never forget. These are the days that two of my friends committed suicide on. I already had problems with suicide that derived from when I was ten years old. I was at a fair when I saw a man commit suicide. I have never forgotten that, nor have I ever wrapped my brain around the idea. I was so heart broken, distraught, and basically an emotional zombie for a while. Again, I couldn't wrap by brain around it. And that bothered me. It was incredibly painful to see two of my friends not be around anymore. I just didn't understand it. And that is when I realized that I truly didn't know if I knew where I was going when I died. All those previous thoughts of my spiritual eternity arose to the forefront of my mind. 

Throughout this time I had been attending the church that my friend invited me to (the second friend, not the first). And that next Sunday I was completely broken by the Holy Spirit. God always knew how to use my pastor to speak to me. I knew at that moment that my life was going to change. I gave my life to my Savior Jesus Christ. He had forgiven me of my sins and took my place on the cross that I truly deserved. He did it because He loved me... me, the hypocritical, two-faced sinner. The song lyrics: Amazing love, how can it be? That you my King would die for me... come to mind. It's weird to think that I'm thankful my friends committing suicide, because it led me to Jesus. Without those events in my life, I may have never come to fully understand what Jesus had done for me. Miss you Joel. Miss you Shea.

I've always heard that my life wouldn't be a piece of cake once I decided to truly follow Jesus. It's really and truly been a "struggle." If you are reading this, please know that I am not perfect. I am again a hypocritical, two-faced sinner who had bowed my head before an almighty, powerful, gracious, and loving God. He has taken all of my sin and shame and gave me righteousness. I will not get it right all the time, in fact, as Paul says, "I die daily" (1 Corinthians 15:31). But I am trying to keep my eyes on Jesus. Every time I struggle with lusts and desires that I do not want. I pray for guidance and strength to fight the temptations of my sinful flesh. 

God will help. He gives strength to the weak. My favorite verse is 2 Corinthians 12:9-10. It says: "And He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities that the power of Christ may rest upon me. There fore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

A Memoir: Episode 3

Around the beginning of sophomore year, I started dating this person, yes, a man. We had been dating for about a month when he asked me to make it "Facebook offical." To which, I was wary about because again, I was good at keeping my second life hidden. But as he pleaded, I gave in (people pleaser) and blocked everyone I knew from my Facebook that could potentially see it, or be able to tell someone from home what was happening in college...

Somehow it leaked. I was called by my mother while practicing one night. She seemed incredibly upset. She said that my pastor at my home church brought my parents in his office to tell them of my college shenanigans. Apparently, someone found out (who I still don't know how to this day), and instead of approaching me about it, when straight to the pastor, who when went straight to my parents, and hence the phone call to me. I found this infuriating to hear. After all doesn't Matthew 18:15-17 say it plainly? 

     "Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that 'by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.' And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector."

This was not the case. I was never contacted by said person who they had a problem with. It went straight to the church. I mean, these were Jesus' words. They should have been followed through. I am still bitter about this to this day. Regardless, I ended up telling the truth, because why lie when you know you're caught? I was sobbing in the practice room. I'm sure people looked in and thought I was crazy.

I broke up with this person later that week. I felt as if my mother was giving me an ultimatum: live this lifestyle or live without me (even though she did not explicitly say that, it's just how I recall that conversation happening). I could not imagine living without my mom, or my family. They have always been there for me. My life was in shambles. I vowed to myself that I would never date another man. Note that I said date another man, not mess around with when the chance came. This still allowed me to live the lifestyle, without the consequence of my mother knowing. I was very secretive for good reasons you see.

This went on until the summer before my senior year. I was asked to come to church with a friend. I went to this church and I liked the preaching but I felt a little judged walking into the church, but I kept going. This excited my mom at the potential prospect of my conversion, so my plan seemed to be working well. My friend ended up moving away to potentially go to seminary which didn't work out. I stopped going to this church because I didn't know anyone else there. Then another friend invited me to his church. I am so very happy he did. This church truly convicted me of my lifestyle. But I never mentioned it to anyone and simply placed the convicted thoughts in the back of my mind. This was around the time that a billboard sign was posted near my house that plainly said: ARE YOU GOING TO HEAVEN OR HELL? I hated driving past this every day. I hated it because it brought those convicted thoughts of how I was living back to the forefront of my thoughts. This bothered me so much. It was a true true testament of the "struggle" between my soul and my sinful flesh. I still managed to displace these thoughts as the days went on.