A Memoir: Episode 4

September 30, 2011. November 1, 2011. Two days that I'll also never forget. These are the days that two of my friends committed suicide on. I already had problems with suicide that derived from when I was ten years old. I was at a fair when I saw a man commit suicide. I have never forgotten that, nor have I ever wrapped my brain around the idea. I was so heart broken, distraught, and basically an emotional zombie for a while. Again, I couldn't wrap by brain around it. And that bothered me. It was incredibly painful to see two of my friends not be around anymore. I just didn't understand it. And that is when I realized that I truly didn't know if I knew where I was going when I died. All those previous thoughts of my spiritual eternity arose to the forefront of my mind. 

Throughout this time I had been attending the church that my friend invited me to (the second friend, not the first). And that next Sunday I was completely broken by the Holy Spirit. God always knew how to use my pastor to speak to me. I knew at that moment that my life was going to change. I gave my life to my Savior Jesus Christ. He had forgiven me of my sins and took my place on the cross that I truly deserved. He did it because He loved me... me, the hypocritical, two-faced sinner. The song lyrics: Amazing love, how can it be? That you my King would die for me... come to mind. It's weird to think that I'm thankful my friends committing suicide, because it led me to Jesus. Without those events in my life, I may have never come to fully understand what Jesus had done for me. Miss you Joel. Miss you Shea.

I've always heard that my life wouldn't be a piece of cake once I decided to truly follow Jesus. It's really and truly been a "struggle." If you are reading this, please know that I am not perfect. I am again a hypocritical, two-faced sinner who had bowed my head before an almighty, powerful, gracious, and loving God. He has taken all of my sin and shame and gave me righteousness. I will not get it right all the time, in fact, as Paul says, "I die daily" (1 Corinthians 15:31). But I am trying to keep my eyes on Jesus. Every time I struggle with lusts and desires that I do not want. I pray for guidance and strength to fight the temptations of my sinful flesh. 

God will help. He gives strength to the weak. My favorite verse is 2 Corinthians 12:9-10. It says: "And He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities that the power of Christ may rest upon me. There fore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong."