Around the beginning of sophomore year, I started dating this person, yes, a man. We had been dating for about a month when he asked me to make it "Facebook offical." To which, I was wary about because again, I was good at keeping my second life hidden. But as he pleaded, I gave in (people pleaser) and blocked everyone I knew from my Facebook that could potentially see it, or be able to tell someone from home what was happening in college...
Somehow it leaked. I was called by my mother while practicing one night. She seemed incredibly upset. She said that my pastor at my home church brought my parents in his office to tell them of my college shenanigans. Apparently, someone found out (who I still don't know how to this day), and instead of approaching me about it, when straight to the pastor, who when went straight to my parents, and hence the phone call to me. I found this infuriating to hear. After all doesn't Matthew 18:15-17 say it plainly?
"Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that 'by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.' And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector."
This was not the case. I was never contacted by said person who they had a problem with. It went straight to the church. I mean, these were Jesus' words. They should have been followed through. I am still bitter about this to this day. Regardless, I ended up telling the truth, because why lie when you know you're caught? I was sobbing in the practice room. I'm sure people looked in and thought I was crazy.
Somehow it leaked. I was called by my mother while practicing one night. She seemed incredibly upset. She said that my pastor at my home church brought my parents in his office to tell them of my college shenanigans. Apparently, someone found out (who I still don't know how to this day), and instead of approaching me about it, when straight to the pastor, who when went straight to my parents, and hence the phone call to me. I found this infuriating to hear. After all doesn't Matthew 18:15-17 say it plainly?
"Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that 'by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.' And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector."
This was not the case. I was never contacted by said person who they had a problem with. It went straight to the church. I mean, these were Jesus' words. They should have been followed through. I am still bitter about this to this day. Regardless, I ended up telling the truth, because why lie when you know you're caught? I was sobbing in the practice room. I'm sure people looked in and thought I was crazy.
I broke up with this person later that week. I felt as if my mother was giving me an ultimatum: live this lifestyle or live without me (even though she did not explicitly say that, it's just how I recall that conversation happening). I could not imagine living without my mom, or my family. They have always been there for me. My life was in shambles. I vowed to myself that I would never date another man. Note that I said date another man, not mess around with when the chance came. This still allowed me to live the lifestyle, without the consequence of my mother knowing. I was very secretive for good reasons you see.
This went on until the summer before my senior year. I was asked to come to church with a friend. I went to this church and I liked the preaching but I felt a little judged walking into the church, but I kept going. This excited my mom at the potential prospect of my conversion, so my plan seemed to be working well. My friend ended up moving away to potentially go to seminary which didn't work out. I stopped going to this church because I didn't know anyone else there. Then another friend invited me to his church. I am so very happy he did. This church truly convicted me of my lifestyle. But I never mentioned it to anyone and simply placed the convicted thoughts in the back of my mind. This was around the time that a billboard sign was posted near my house that plainly said: ARE YOU GOING TO HEAVEN OR HELL? I hated driving past this every day. I hated it because it brought those convicted thoughts of how I was living back to the forefront of my thoughts. This bothered me so much. It was a true true testament of the "struggle" between my soul and my sinful flesh. I still managed to displace these thoughts as the days went on.
This went on until the summer before my senior year. I was asked to come to church with a friend. I went to this church and I liked the preaching but I felt a little judged walking into the church, but I kept going. This excited my mom at the potential prospect of my conversion, so my plan seemed to be working well. My friend ended up moving away to potentially go to seminary which didn't work out. I stopped going to this church because I didn't know anyone else there. Then another friend invited me to his church. I am so very happy he did. This church truly convicted me of my lifestyle. But I never mentioned it to anyone and simply placed the convicted thoughts in the back of my mind. This was around the time that a billboard sign was posted near my house that plainly said: ARE YOU GOING TO HEAVEN OR HELL? I hated driving past this every day. I hated it because it brought those convicted thoughts of how I was living back to the forefront of my thoughts. This bothered me so much. It was a true true testament of the "struggle" between my soul and my sinful flesh. I still managed to displace these thoughts as the days went on.
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