Mirror, Mirror.

I am currently lying in bed trying to go to sleep but I just can't. I feel filthy. Dirty. Disgusting. And yes, in case you're wondering, I've showered today. 

I have not written in this blog in over a year. I have not felt the need to continue with it as I feel that it has served (and still is serving) its purpose as a springboard to shine God's glory through my life.  

But tonight I feel differently.

Tonight, I feel the need to write. 

And tonight I feel the need to apologize. 

The façade I've been showing people is just too much for me to keep up with. I am not this well, put-together Christian that I may seem. In fact, I am so much of a hypocrite that I can't even stand myself. I have in recent weeks become victim to my personal sin. I've fallen short, willingly allowing myself to get even an ounce of that drug-inducing high of lustful pleasure. To all those people who have been waiting to for me to stumble and fall, not ever believing that I truly have changed, there you have it. I've failed. 

And I want to apologize for that. For being a hypocrite. For honoring God in my words, but not always in my thoughts or actions. For not letting my life be an example of the grace that God has shown me. For not honoring Him in every aspect of my life. For not being able to keep myself above water. For not being able to do it on my own. I feel disgusting, warped, broken. I've become another case of another hypocritical Christian, claiming one thing in the light, but doing its opposite in the shadows. I'm sorry to those people. So incredibly sorry. More importantly, I'm sorry to the One who I am making a mockery of His amazing grace. 

Today in church I was so convicted by this simple question: Does your life establish or destroy the credibility of the Gospel? I've been trying so hard to look into a mirror and not notice the glaring, filthy mess that is my life. I keep thinking that this time it'll be different. I'll look in another mirror and see someone who is clean. So I keep seeking more and more mirrors to pretend I don't see the dark smudges across my face. But in the end, my smudges are still there. Still clearly apparent and a constant reminder that I am not clean. So are my actions honoring Christ? Are they showing people the credibility of the Gospel? Absolutely not. 

But as I learned in the sermon at church this morning, "Mirrors are meant to lead you to the sink." I am never going to get clean by looking in more mirrors. I am only going to become clean by washing my face in the sink. But a sink without water does me no good. I can wipe and smear away at my smudges but that just makes me filthier. The only way I can become clean is through the saving grace of Jesus. He is the water in the sink who cleanses so thoroughly, that even God himself looks at me and sees me without blemish. What an incredible picture of the Gospel! 1 Corinthians 6:9-11 says, 

"Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God." 

Notice Paul's use of the past tense. Such were some of you. You were washed, were sanctified, etc. As I read that this morning a shudder went down my spine. I am washed. I am clean. Jesus already took my place in court. I no longer have to stand judgement in a court of God's law because He sees Jesus in my place on the bench. He has already planted flags of dominion over my life (as my pastor says) though my sinful self constantly retaliates against Him. He has already washed me white as snow. Isaiah 1:18 says,

"Come now, let us reason together, says the Lord: 

though your sins are like scarlet, 

they shall be as white as snow; 

though they are red like crimson, 

they shall become like wool." 

Now this does not allow me to get off scot-free. I still dishonor and break God's laws every time I sin. So this isn't a call for me to be able to do whatever I want and still get God's grace. 

In fact, it is a springboard to do things that honor and please God, not because marking things off of a checklist will get me into heaven, but because of my love for the Lord I actively want to honor Him. As a Christian, I am constantly reminded of the weight of my sin and it makes me feel disgusting and dirty. But as I grow in my knowledge of Christ's work in my life and the grace He has freely extended me, God becomes larger and larger making me feel cleaner and cleaner. Paul also mentions this in 2 Corinthians 12:9-10: 

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.'"

Of course, I am not perfect and will not get it right every time. I think that this post supports that statement. I was just so convicted and encouraged in the same sermon this morning, that I felt compelled to write about my journey a bit further. When I am at my weakest, or rather my dirtiest, I will look go Jesus who is the only person who can cleanse my sin. I want to live my life that honor and pleases God so that when I look in the mirror or when someone else looks in the mirror behind me, that I am clean and shine God's glory to everyone I come in contact with. Sure, I will stumble and fall and get my face dirty. But when I look in the mirror and see those smudges on my face, I will be pointed to Jesus who picks me up and leads me to the sink to wash my face and starts me on my journey again, never leaving my side.