"But who are you, O man, to answer back to God? Will what is molded say to its molder, 'Why have you made me like this?'"
-Romans 9:20
I have been reading "The Explicit Gospel" by Mark Chandler as a part of my internship for my church. While reading, I came across this verse. I love it when Scripture slaps you across the face.
There has been multiple times in my life where I've silently asked God, "Why have you made me like this?" And I think most of the people in my situation have done the same. They would probably say that they would never have chose to have these desires. I certainly didn't. But alas, there I was... a homosexual. I can remember fighting with my mom (once she found out, of course) that this wasn't a choice. Again, I'll say it. Why would anyone want to be like this? To be ridiculed by society and to just not be normal. Even today I can still see how rational the argument is. But I fought and fought and fought. I was so naïve. And now I seem to chuckle inwardly at my lack of knowledge.
Once I truly became a Christian, every thing was seen in a new light. And thank you Jesus for it. I realized that it truly is a choice. I wasn't trying to justify why I was like this. The choice seemed simple: do I choose to follow Jesus or do I choose to follow my own selfish desires? And honestly, I sound like such a hypocrite (hence the blog name) because I once believed that it wasn't a choice and now I'm choosing to believe the latter. My choice in not giving in to my temptations has focused my eyes on Jesus and not anything else. "Seek His face," my mom always would say. I once hated when she would say that. However, now I cherish it and preach it to myself, daily.
I think that the reason this particular scripture hit me so hard was because I had constantly asked that exact same question. And honestly, who am I to ask that of God. The God who molded me into existence. The God who knew me before the foundations of the earth, no the universe, even!!! And I have the gall to ask Him such a question? I was utterly baffled at my personal revelation. I think that sometimes we forget that God is God and now some fairy god-father who will sprinkle his magic on us when He sees fit.
Recently, my pastor during a sermon said something profound (at least, to me). He said, "Where your identity lies, there you activity will follow," or some semblance of that. Think of that. When my identity was in homosexuality, I acted like a homosexual. I lived the lifestyle. I fell into temptations on numerous accounts. It would only make sense then, that if my identity was in Jesus (something I chose to do), then my activities would follow suit. And they have. I want read my Bible and pray and grow closer to Him. I want to have closer relationships with my church community and serve in my church. I want to be a Godly representation and have my testimony reach as many people as possible. I think that is why I harp on identity so much, and yet some people still don't understand me. I was recently told, "Oh, you're just a good little boy now." No, in fact I'm trying to be a Godly man. Not just some person who is morally good or hiding my unmentionable sins with some facade of a Christian. I have not been brainwashed to think differently.
No, I have been radically transformed through God's freely given and marvelous grace. I don't have to make a checklist of good deeds like reading my Bible, being a good person, going to church, or being in a community group. I don't have to work for God to love me more. And I can't do anything to make God love me less because His grace is just handed to me. People may say, "Then why do you do it?" And I will confidently respond, "Where your identity lies, there your activities will follow."
Think of it this way: if your best friend jumped in front of a car to push you out of its way and died, wouldn't you spend the rest of your life in honor and reverence of your friend, making sure that you wouldn't taint their name in any way? Jesus did the same thing. He died on the cross for your sins. Not just past sins, but present AND future. If you knew that He did that, pushed you out of harms way and died for you... shouldn't you give Him everything? Wouldn't you want to make sure that His name is honored until you die? This is exactly how I see my relationship with Jesus. He saved me. Now I'm going to live the rest of my life in honor of His glorious and marvelous name. What about you?
Dear sweet and wonderful Jesus,
I am the clay and You are the Potter. Who am I to ask anything? "For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away" (James 4:14). I cannot thank You enough for what You have done for me. Please let the small time I have on this earth be for Your precious glory and not my own, for who am I?
Love, Casey
