Lover's Eyes

This is my favorite song on Mumford & Son's new album, Babel. At first glance of the title, I thought it was going to be some cute song about a girl's eyes and how they loved them. You know, your stereotypical love song. However, I was completely blown away at the subject area that this song was about. Here are the lyrics:

"Love was kind, for a time
Now just aches and it makes me blind
This mirror holds my eyes too bright
I can't see the others in my life
Were we too young? And heads too strong?
To bear the weight of these lover's eyes.
'Cause I feel numb, beneath your tongue
Neath the curse of these lover's eyes.

But do not ask the price I pay,
I must live with my quiet rage,
Tame the ghosts in my head,
That run wild and wish me dead.
Should you shake my ash to the wind
Lord, forget all of my sins
Oh, let me die where I lie
Neath the curse of my lover's eyes.

There's no drink nor drug I tried
To rid the curse of these lover's eyes
And I feel numb, beneath your tongue
Your strength just makes me feel less strong

But do not ask the price I pay,
I must live with my quiet rage,
Tame the ghosts in my head,
That run wild and wish me dead.
Should you shake my ash to the wind
Lord, forget all of my sins
Oh, let me die where I lie
Neath the curse of my lover's eyes.

And I'll walk slow, I'll walk slow
Take my hand, help me on my way.
And I'll walk slow, I'll walk slow
Take my hand, I'll be on my way."

See what I mean? It's a not a true love song... or is it?

The "love" that is talked about in this song, in my opinion, is the love that we have for our sin. Imagine your sin as a person. He/she is epitomized as your sin, if it could take on a physical form. This person is attractive, personable, funny, loving, and caring. Or insert your favorite personality traits that make a particular person attractive and pleasurable to be around. (I mean, isn't sin pleasurable? It's fun and exciting.) Again, you are completely enamored with her/him. But this person is secretly seductive and evil. He/she keeps you from being focused on other things that should be of more importance. You are completely love drunk. 

I recently watched an episode of The Bachelor. *Please note that I do not condone watching this show as I lost 30 IQ points from sitting and watching it.* Anyways, this one girl in particular was with the bachelor, showing herself off and being all sweet, coy, and seductive. However, when she was with the other girls on the show, she was completely rude, arrogant, and self-gratifying. Some of the girls were completely fed up and disgusted with her attitude that they went to the bachelor and told him how she was acting away from him and how she treated the other girls. When the bachelor heard this he was flabbergasted that she acted in such a way towards the other girls because he had never seen her otherwise as attractive and nice. He acted all sad about it (though I swear this show is fixed and scripted), but when he confronted this particular girl, he was so enraptured by her "attractiveness and personality" when she was with him and despite what they said, she ended up getting a rose. For those of you who don't watch the show (50 points to you), if you get a rose at the end of the night you get to stay another week and try to win the heart of the bachelor. Ridiculous, I know.

As weird of a metaphor as this is, it paints a picture of how we love our sin and how Jesus wants us to turn from our sin and look to Him. Our sin is the attractive girl and we as sinners are the bachelor. Jesus is like the girls who brought the attention of the attractive girl's motives. Yet as sinners (the bachelor), we don't sometimes listen to what Jesus (the good girls) has to say and continue further with our sin. Does that make sense? I hope it does.

Anyways back to the song, this is what it is like to love your sin. This happens regardless of what kind of sin it is. The love that you have for your sin is blinding and unhealthy in your relationship with Jesus. Now I'm not saying that once your in a relationship with Jesus that it all goes away. I think I would be the first to testify against that. But when the song says: "There's no drink nor drug I tried, To rid the curse of these lover's eyes. And I feel numb, beneath your tongue. Your strength just makes me feel less strong," there is nothing that you can do that will change the grip that sin has on our lives because it is in our nature. The Devil wants you to sin, in fact, he encourages you to sin (hence, temptation). You can try to hide it, you can try to fake it, you can try to cover it up, but eventually you will not be able to take it. And when you do? You will break and Jesus will be there to pick you up. "And I'll walk slow, I'll walk slow. Take my hand, help me on my way." Does he expect you to be perfect? No. Because you can't be. In the meantime, we just trust that Jesus will help us "tame the ghosts in my head that run wild and wish me dead."

I'm so grateful that God looks to me and doesn't see me as the sinner that I still am. I surely do not deserve it. But He does it anyways. God is so good.

Other Thoughts

I've gotten many messages from friends showing their concern for my happiness. I think that this is something that people are perceiving as me being forced into. It's exactly the opposite. I am willingly choosing to follow Jesus. This sounds highly hypocritical because in the past I've fought long and hard that it isn't a choice, and I was born this way. It's funny how God works. I'm not unhappy and I haven't been brainwashed to think differently. In fact, I don't think I've ever been more happy than how I feel right now. I don't have to worry about having two sides to my story anymore. I only have one, and it's living with Jesus. Have I been hurt before and will I get hurt in the future? Absolutely. But this is something that I've struggled with for a long time and I've weighed the options. I have been on both sides of the spectrum, so I think it gives me great insight on both fronts. 

I think people have mistaken me though, that I can be both gay and believe in God. It's like they still see me as a homosexual who is standing up for his faith. When in reality, I do not consider myself a homosexual at all anymore. That would be like serving two masters. Jesus said, "No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or else he will be loyal to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money" (Matthew 6:24). Insert your particular sin where money is in that verse. It's basically saying that one identity will preside over the other. I could either be gay and be a follower of God, or I could be a follower of God who once was gay. I choose the latter. 

People also keep telling me that I am a beautiful and wonderful person. Well, the Bible says I was "fearfully and wonderfully made" (Psalm 139). I understand that God must have made me this way, not to indulge in my fleshly desires, but to fall on my knees and worship Him, who created me. And through my temptations, I will be able to help people who are like me find Jesus. I hope to be a sliver of help in the gap that separates the intolerance that the Church is known for against homosexuals.

Other friends have said that I will be missing out on love, but what greater love is there than God's unconditional love? I mean, John 3:16, people! He sent His son to die for me? That gay kid? YES. That's love right there. That's the kind of love I'm down with accepting. Thank you, Jesus. But really, a thank you isn't enough. I'm giving you my LIFE. Please do with it as you please. I do not know what God has in store for me. If he plans for me to have love from a woman then so be it. But he may want me to live a life of solitude, in which I will still most gladly call Him my Savior and Lord. 

I have been sent many encouraging links to other sources, interview, and articles written by people who are going through the same thing I am. One, in particular, spoke very similar to what I am writing about, and answers some questions that I think people are thinking. It is also very beautifully written.

"First, everyone is a hypocrite, regardless of belief system. People such as Zinnia preach a message of tolerance and kindness to all, yet they are not tolerant of my beliefs and show me no kindness. That's hypocritical, is it not? With that said, you can either be a hypocrite under the grace of God or a hypocrite outside of the grace of God. As Christians, we acknowledge that we are hypocritical in word and action at times, and we acknowledge that we cannot be perfect. This is why we don't point to ourselves as models of perfection, but point to Christ as the ONLY perfection. On the Cross, Christ took on our sinful identity, and suffered the penalty we deserved. In turn, He offers his righteous identity to all who believe in Him. So Christians do fail and Christians do sin every single day, but the base of our faith in not ourselves or not ourselves. The base of our faith is Christ and His perfect obedience on our behalf. We are saved not because of anything we have or haven't done, but because of what Christ has done for us."

Read more at Matt Moore on being outed 

All for His Glory

I got home the day I posted my blog to find that this blog had reached 1,700 people within 12 hours. I sat on my couch in tears as I was fully realizing that God is seriously working in my life. I MEAN 1,700 IN TWELVE HOURS. COME ON PEOPLE. THAT'S CRAZY. The total since Thursday is over 3,000. I cannot take any credit for anything I have done. It is all for His glory. Thank you, Jesus. 

I also got several Facebook messages asking me questions regarding what I believe and what this means for my sexuality. I also think I need to clear up some loose-ends in the coming posts.

Here is my attempt to answer all these questions and thoughts in one. This is what I have come to believe:

Before there was anything, there was God. God saw fit to create the universe and all the things we see today, and it was good. 

     ***On a random side note, I have always thought it was super cool that God said, "Let there be light," (Gen. 1:3) before he even created the sun which was on the fourth day (Gen. 1:14-18).*** 

Anyways, I think we can all agree that what God created is good. Then God created man (Gen. 1:26-28, 2:7). He created man out of the "dust of the ground" and "breathed into his nostrils the breath of life..." At that moment, Adam entered into a relationship with God. What is so interesting about this is that God had not yet made Eve so Adam had not entered into a sexual relationship with anyone. Looking at that Scripture we see that our relationship with God precedes our sexuality. Then God said, "It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him" (Gen. 2:18). So he created woman while man was sleeping. This is important to realize: God created woman while man was sleeping (Gen 2:21). *Another cool note is that woman was the only thing to be created from something else. Everything else that God created he called into being, but with woman he created out of man.* Man did not know this was happening. This allowed the opportunity for woman and God to have that same personal relationship that man had with God. Sexuality still did not exist. It's only when God "brought her to the man" that sexuality began. (Gen. 2:22-25)

I bet you're thinking, "Where is he going with this?..."

Well, here's my first point. The biggest thing that I came to learn is that before there was any sexuality, both man and woman had a relationship with God. I realized after talking with my pastor who explained this to me, that in order to be truly dependent on God, I had to have a personal relationship with him before there was any sexuality. It was like God was slapping me in the face and saying, "Stop worrying about your sexuality and look at Me!!! You're putting your identity in your sexuality and not Me! How can you know Me when your worried about your sexuality?!" I think His handprint on my face left a mark because it changed me. I felt a huge release of relief. At this point, it didn't matter what my sexuality was. I only needed to lean on Jesus to restore me. From the moment I understood this, an almost immediate drop in ANY homosexual desires occurred. It was a miracle, of sorts. Or it was and still is to me, at least. The thoughts that once dominated my mind were basically... gone. I'm not saying that they were completely eliminated, but severely diminished. On a percentage scale, it would be like having homosexual desires at 80% and after coming to my realization, it dropped to maybe 20%. I mean, that's a big deal considering that men think about sex like ALL of the time, and that the gay community finds most of their identity in their sexuality. 

I remember my first homosexual thought after my realization. I was sitting in a church I had been visiting and after zoning out of the sermon, my mind... went places. It was hard to focus on the sermon and the more I tried not to think about it, the more the images grew. After I kind of snapped out of it and thought to myself, "You're in church, why are you thinking about this?!" I immediately saw it as a massive attack from the Devil to try and distract me from hearing God's word. I immediately and simply prayed, "God... help, help, help me through this." They were gone. I haven't been very good at prayer. I usually get distracted by my constantly moving mind. I finally saw what true prayer can do. It was amazing. 

So to answer the question plainly, where does this leave my sexuality? Well, in all honesty, I will never date another man. Do I find men more attractive than women at the moment? Yes to an extent. I'm hoping that changes with time as God works in me. I've always wanted the wife and kids with the house in the suburbs. (This is something that I've always thought strange). But any desire to be with a man, or think of a man in a homosexual way hardly crosses my mind now. And if it does? I pray for the strength to fight my temptations. I believe that everyone has that one sin deep down that they can't really tell anyone about. Mine just happens to be homosexuality. It is widely known that sins are equal (on both sides of the spectrum). Homosexual lust does not differ from heterosexual lust, (well except for one big difference). Homosexuality is the temptation, falling into that temptation is the sin.

My pastor showed me this testimony of a woman who had been a lesbian for decades. It's pretty powerful. Her last words hit home. It's chilling, and so true to my heart. They are:

"And my former life lurks in the edges of my heart, shiny and still like a knife."

Here's the link if you want to read:
Rosaria Butterfield's Testimony

Me? A Saint?

Today was the official first service of the new church plant I have been helping with. I must admit that I was having to hold back tears. It was incredibly moving to have been throughout the process since we found our church site and see what it is now. All the hard work, sweat, and time given has truly been a blessing. And it's all for God's glory. I had an amazing time worshipping with my family along side me. I hope they felt the same. 

The sermon started out with the question, "Who do you think you are?" Now, I could say who I am on the outside. That's easy. What the point was, is really "who are you on the inside" or "what do you identify with?" I've just learned from a friend that Mark Driscoll literally shouted that question to his church. That's pretty ballsy. Anyways, I had a talk with my pastor late last year regarding identity. Who was I before following Christ?

I was a homosexual, yet I hated being identified as one. That's pretty hypocritical, don't you think? I was both closeted and "out." I kept everything so secretive though. I was pretty good at it. After I made my change to follow Jesus, I noticed how hard it was to tell my friends (rather, it still is extremely hard). I had another friend go through the same ordeal and to hear people he considered friends mock and ridicule him behind his back seemed so cruel and awful. I think that is why I've been postponing it so much. I've been afraid of what people will think of me. It's such a stupid insecurity that I don't normally have except in this situation. I've been keeping one foot in the door in order to escape my friends judgemental thoughts and words. I've kept my identity as a homosexual.

I've wasted so much time worrying about what other people will think of me when I "announce" my choice to follow Jesus and not my sin that I've kept my identity with homosexuality in tact. God has finally revealed to me that in order to bash my previous identity and take on my new one, I had to let tell my story. This is one of the main reasons why I created this blog. I feel like I can now say that I can identify with Jesus. Following Him has become my new identity. I am a saint. I am a follower of Christ.