A Memoir: Episode 1

I suppose you could say that I've always known that I have had homosexual desires. I had the typical "coming out" story. You know, the awkward high school teenager who always denied it mainly due to the fact that I was constantly bullied by kids in school (even some who I called my friends, and once, a girlfriend of mine actually). And on the other hand, I was scared to death of going to Hell. I was raised a Southern Baptist, so basically I didn't seem to stand a chance of going to Heaven simply because I had these desires. I was a very confused kid, but never admitted it to anyone (though, half of everyone already knew secretly, even my family). And as any typical teenaged, coming-of-age movie, going to college truly changed things...

I promised my mother that when I went to college I wouldn't change my

beliefs. Well, in my own way, I really didn't. I still went to church, I still was a good person, and I didn't do drugs (except occasional social drinking). I always felt obligated to go to church. I didn't really want to go. I would have preferred to sleep in especially with my crazy busy music major schedule. I just did it to make my mother happy. I seemed to do this throughout my entire life, which is a huge insecurity of mine-- wanting to make people like me/people pleaser. 

Anyways, at first coming to college I was completely intimidated by the crazy RA's (who now tell me they thought I was a complete jerk to them at first but grew to like me), and the other students because they were so different than the life I had lived. It was all very overwhelming.

I was immediate bombarded by people who had different views and lifestyles that I did. It was scary and exciting. I was also bombarded by people who later became my friends. These people were and still are homosexuals. *Now, please note that this is not about them, nor am I chastising them for their lifestyle, because I became one of them.* I got so distracted by these people because they were interested in me. At the time I was naive, and didn't really know why they were interested in me. Now that I look back, it was simply because they had an inkling that I was gay, and only wanted to get to know me firstly, because of that reason. Not because of my personality, but because of a notion that they viewed to be true. Since they took this particular interest in me, I was flattered by it because at the time, they liked being around me and wanted to be my friend.

We finally got close enough that I ended up "coming out" to them (the next scene in my typical teenage movie). They encouraged me that this was not a choice and that I was born this way (and now I have Lady Gaga stuck in my head, this doesn't help my case at all). I dove into this new world of pleasure because I finally thought that I was being who I really was, and fell farther and farther away from God. And it felt good. I mean, doesn't it, to be able to get and do what you want? I then started to lead my two lives. My college life and my home life. I was a complete hypocrite. *Also note, I hate hypocrisy, which is completely hypocritical. Ironic, right?* I went on a trip with these friends in September and didn't really sleep well one night, so I decided to write down my feelings. I'm extremely good at bottling up my emotions. It's one of my biggest faults. I was still struggling with the whole aspect of my torn self: wanting to be who I thought I was, and knowing what I was taught that the Bible says is true. Anyways, I wrote down my feelings on four pages. I put these pages my moleskin and didn't think that anyone would read it...