I need to be honest with you. I have been incredibly frustrated in my faith these past couple of months. I can't believe that my last post was in October. I don't usually have the urge to write, so when I do, I know it is an act of God. He has taught me so much in the past few days that I am led to share them with you.
Since my last post, it seems like EVERYONE on Facebook got engaged. From my best friend, to distant friends I hardly speak with, it seemed like a never-ending news feed of congratulations and engagement rings. I suppose I'm at that age where people start getting engaged all of a sudden, I don't know. And don't get me wrong, I'm so excited for all of them! It was just kind of overwhelming. I think this the point that began my frustrations in my faith. I think I have mentioned before that even though I struggle with same-sex attraction (SSA), it has always been my desire and dream to have a wife and hundreds of kids. Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a bit, but I do want a lot of kids. But there I was single, struggling with SSA, and wanting to be different. There wasn't a day that went by that I didn't pray asking for God to take this away from me because I didn't want to carry it anymore. It was getting too big for me and I didn't feel I had the strength anymore to endure its weight. I still don't understand why God would provide a desire in my mind that is pleasing to Him and then give me the EXACT opposite of what I wanted. But this is the life I have, and I'm still struggling through it. I wanted my life to be easy like it seemed everyone else’s was. So I was frustrated because nothing was changing. I was in His word, prayed more than I ever remember praying, I was serving frequently at church, and I was in constant community with fellow Christians outside of the church. So why was nothing happening? Why did I not feel a change in my desires?
It was at this point that I started slipping from frustration into a fit of anger, because I felt like I was doing everything right! And let me say that I was never feeling like this was a "laundry list" of things I had to do in order to be changed. It was something that I wanted to do, so it never seemed like work. But even still. No change in my heart.
It was then that I went to my pastor. I often try to solve all of my problems myself, and never seek counsel as I should, but at this point I was at a complete loss. I met with him one day and we talked about my frustrations. I always seem to think (mainly due to societal pressures) that my sin is greater than everyone else's. That SSA is worse than heterosexual sin. And so I get so caught up in that thought that I become confused and think I am not worthy of God's grace. These were dark times for me because I sensed that God was far from me. This sounds preposterous to me now because it was not God that was "far" away. It was me. I let worldly influence place a dense and misty fog over my relationship with God, making it hard to see His grace and influence over my life clearly. The harder I strained to see Him, the more frustrated I became.
I am constantly amazed that God hasn't given up on me yet (and incredibly thankful that He NEVER will). One day my pastor sent me a sermon that he found particularly timely due to our talk earlier in the week. After I listened to it, it was like the sun rose over the horizon and all the fog that once shrouded my mind immediately dispersed. I clearly saw that I had the wrong mindset. The main point of the sermon was summed up in this sentence: "The goal is not heterosexuality, the goal is holiness." My perspective was shattered. I had my mind set on that the only thing that would change my situation was a change in my sexuality, but that's just it. I was reverting back to having my identity in my sexuality and not on Christ. My goal was a change in sexuality, not a change in my holiness. I fell to my knees in prayer, asking God to create in me the newness of His image, of His holiness. I would much rather have people look upon my holiness than looking at my sexual orientation.
I was reminded of my favorite verse throughout all of this frustration that always speaks to me when I am at a low point in my life.
"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
-2 Corinthians 12:9-10
I, at times, forget the context of this verse and its powerful message. Right before that passage, Paul said, "So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from being conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me" (2 Cor. 12:7-8). Paul was like any one of us. His "thorn" tormented him so much that he asked God to take it away from him multiple times. How many times have I asked for my desires to change, for my life to be different? How many prayers of mine have seemingly gone unnoticed by the One who hears them all? We do not know what particular "thorn" Paul was dealing with, but essentially it doesn't matter. In fact, what was the reason he was given it? To keep him from boasting. He wasn't perfect. He was tempted and tried just like we are today. The Bible never tells us if Paul's thorn was taken out as much as he wanted it to be. He was never given a guarantee. And neither am I. As much as it frustrates me, my sanctification process (becoming more like Jesus) is not on my own personal schedule. I can't do any of the changing. My desires may continue to gradually decrease, or they may come and go, or the may even leave all together (fingers crossed on that one), but I'm never guaranteed. The only guarantee I have is that God's grace is enough for me. It was given to me freely when I thought I wasn't good enough for God's love, grace, and mercy. So, like Paul, I will boast in my weaknesses. I will boast in the fact that I once was a homosexual. I will boast that I am not perfect. I will boast in the everlasting grace that sent my life in a radically different direction. I will boast in Jesus. I will boast for God's glory to be shown throughout my story and my life.
So right now I'm in transition. My frustrations are melting away as I get closer and closer to the amazing reality of Jesus. I want Jesus' power and glory to ooze out of every crack/corner of my story. Because it surely wasn't my doing. It was all Jesus.
I can positively say that my desires have since decreased exponentially again and I had my first real date with a woman this past weekend. It was super fun. I can't wait to see what God has in store for me. I just need to keep reminding myself that His grace is sufficient... even when I think it's not.
Links to the sermon and the article!
