Mirror, Mirror.

I am currently lying in bed trying to go to sleep but I just can't. I feel filthy. Dirty. Disgusting. And yes, in case you're wondering, I've showered today. 

I have not written in this blog in over a year. I have not felt the need to continue with it as I feel that it has served (and still is serving) its purpose as a springboard to shine God's glory through my life.  

But tonight I feel differently.

Tonight, I feel the need to write. 

And tonight I feel the need to apologize. 

The façade I've been showing people is just too much for me to keep up with. I am not this well, put-together Christian that I may seem. In fact, I am so much of a hypocrite that I can't even stand myself. I have in recent weeks become victim to my personal sin. I've fallen short, willingly allowing myself to get even an ounce of that drug-inducing high of lustful pleasure. To all those people who have been waiting to for me to stumble and fall, not ever believing that I truly have changed, there you have it. I've failed. 

And I want to apologize for that. For being a hypocrite. For honoring God in my words, but not always in my thoughts or actions. For not letting my life be an example of the grace that God has shown me. For not honoring Him in every aspect of my life. For not being able to keep myself above water. For not being able to do it on my own. I feel disgusting, warped, broken. I've become another case of another hypocritical Christian, claiming one thing in the light, but doing its opposite in the shadows. I'm sorry to those people. So incredibly sorry. More importantly, I'm sorry to the One who I am making a mockery of His amazing grace. 

Today in church I was so convicted by this simple question: Does your life establish or destroy the credibility of the Gospel? I've been trying so hard to look into a mirror and not notice the glaring, filthy mess that is my life. I keep thinking that this time it'll be different. I'll look in another mirror and see someone who is clean. So I keep seeking more and more mirrors to pretend I don't see the dark smudges across my face. But in the end, my smudges are still there. Still clearly apparent and a constant reminder that I am not clean. So are my actions honoring Christ? Are they showing people the credibility of the Gospel? Absolutely not. 

But as I learned in the sermon at church this morning, "Mirrors are meant to lead you to the sink." I am never going to get clean by looking in more mirrors. I am only going to become clean by washing my face in the sink. But a sink without water does me no good. I can wipe and smear away at my smudges but that just makes me filthier. The only way I can become clean is through the saving grace of Jesus. He is the water in the sink who cleanses so thoroughly, that even God himself looks at me and sees me without blemish. What an incredible picture of the Gospel! 1 Corinthians 6:9-11 says, 

"Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God." 

Notice Paul's use of the past tense. Such were some of you. You were washed, were sanctified, etc. As I read that this morning a shudder went down my spine. I am washed. I am clean. Jesus already took my place in court. I no longer have to stand judgement in a court of God's law because He sees Jesus in my place on the bench. He has already planted flags of dominion over my life (as my pastor says) though my sinful self constantly retaliates against Him. He has already washed me white as snow. Isaiah 1:18 says,

"Come now, let us reason together, says the Lord: 

though your sins are like scarlet, 

they shall be as white as snow; 

though they are red like crimson, 

they shall become like wool." 

Now this does not allow me to get off scot-free. I still dishonor and break God's laws every time I sin. So this isn't a call for me to be able to do whatever I want and still get God's grace. 

In fact, it is a springboard to do things that honor and please God, not because marking things off of a checklist will get me into heaven, but because of my love for the Lord I actively want to honor Him. As a Christian, I am constantly reminded of the weight of my sin and it makes me feel disgusting and dirty. But as I grow in my knowledge of Christ's work in my life and the grace He has freely extended me, God becomes larger and larger making me feel cleaner and cleaner. Paul also mentions this in 2 Corinthians 12:9-10: 

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.'"

Of course, I am not perfect and will not get it right every time. I think that this post supports that statement. I was just so convicted and encouraged in the same sermon this morning, that I felt compelled to write about my journey a bit further. When I am at my weakest, or rather my dirtiest, I will look go Jesus who is the only person who can cleanse my sin. I want to live my life that honor and pleases God so that when I look in the mirror or when someone else looks in the mirror behind me, that I am clean and shine God's glory to everyone I come in contact with. Sure, I will stumble and fall and get my face dirty. But when I look in the mirror and see those smudges on my face, I will be pointed to Jesus who picks me up and leads me to the sink to wash my face and starts me on my journey again, never leaving my side. 

Turning Frustration into Fruition

I need to be honest with you. I have been incredibly frustrated in my faith these past couple of months. I can't believe that my last post was in October. I don't usually have the urge to write, so when I do, I know it is an act of God. He has taught me so much in the past few days that I am led to share them with you. 

Since my last post, it seems like EVERYONE on Facebook got engaged. From my best friend, to distant friends I hardly speak with, it seemed like a never-ending news feed of congratulations and engagement rings. I suppose I'm at that age where people start getting engaged all of a sudden, I don't know. And don't get me wrong, I'm so excited for all of them! It was just kind of overwhelming. I think this the point that began my frustrations in my faith. I think I have mentioned before that even though I struggle with same-sex attraction (SSA), it has always been my desire and dream to have a wife and hundreds of kids. Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a bit, but I do want a lot of kids. But there I was single, struggling with SSA, and wanting to be different. There wasn't a day that went by that I didn't pray asking for God to take this away from me because I didn't want to carry it anymore. It was getting too big for me and I didn't feel I had the strength anymore to endure its weight. I still don't understand why God would provide a desire in my mind that is pleasing to Him and then give me the EXACT opposite of what I wanted. But this is the life I have, and I'm still struggling through it. I wanted my life to be easy like it seemed everyone else’s was. So I was frustrated because nothing was changing. I was in His word, prayed more than I ever remember praying, I was serving frequently at church, and I was in constant community with fellow Christians outside of the church. So why was nothing happening? Why did I not feel a change in my desires? 

It was at this point that I started slipping from frustration into a fit of anger, because I felt like I was doing everything right! And let me say that I was never feeling like this was a "laundry list" of things I had to do in order to be changed. It was something that I wanted to do, so it never seemed like work. But even still. No change in my heart.

It was then that I went to my pastor. I often try to solve all of my problems myself, and never seek counsel as I should, but at this point I was at a complete loss. I met with him one day and we talked about my frustrations. I always seem to think (mainly due to societal pressures) that my sin is greater than everyone else's. That SSA is worse than heterosexual sin. And so I get so caught up in that thought that I become confused and think I am not worthy of God's grace. These were dark times for me because I sensed that God was far from me. This sounds preposterous to me now because it was not God that was "far" away. It was me. I let worldly influence place a dense and misty fog over my relationship with God, making it hard to see His grace and influence over my life clearly. The harder I strained to see Him, the more frustrated I became. 

I am constantly amazed that God hasn't given up on me yet (and incredibly thankful that He NEVER will). One day my pastor sent me a sermon that he found particularly timely due to our talk earlier in the week. After I listened to it, it was like the sun rose over the horizon and all the fog that once shrouded my mind immediately dispersed. I clearly saw that I had the wrong mindset. The main point of the sermon was summed up in this sentence: "The goal is not heterosexuality, the goal is holiness." My perspective was shattered. I had my mind set on that the only thing that would change my situation was a change in my sexuality, but that's just it. I was reverting back to having my identity in my sexuality and not on Christ. My goal was a change in sexuality, not a change in my holiness. I fell to my knees in prayer, asking God to create in me the newness of His image, of His holiness. I would much rather have people look upon my holiness than looking at my sexual orientation.

I was reminded of my favorite verse throughout all of this frustration that always speaks to me when I am at a low point in my life. 

     "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

-2 Corinthians 12:9-10

I, at times, forget the context of this verse and its powerful message. Right before that passage, Paul said, "So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from being conceited. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me" (2 Cor. 12:7-8). Paul was like any one of us. His "thorn" tormented him so much that he asked God to take it away from him multiple times. How many times have I asked for my desires to change, for my life to be different? How many prayers of mine have seemingly gone unnoticed by the One who hears them all? We do not know what particular "thorn" Paul was dealing with, but essentially it doesn't matter. In fact, what was the reason he was given it? To keep him from boasting. He wasn't perfect. He was tempted and tried just like we are today. The Bible never tells us if Paul's thorn was taken out as much as he wanted it to be. He was never given a guarantee. And neither am I. As much as it frustrates me, my sanctification process (becoming more like Jesus) is not on my own personal schedule. I can't do any of the changing. My desires may continue to gradually decrease, or they may come and go, or the may even leave all together (fingers crossed on that one), but I'm never guaranteed. The only guarantee I have is that God's grace is enough for me. It was given to me freely when I thought I wasn't good enough for God's love, grace, and mercy. So, like Paul, I will boast in my weaknesses. I will boast in the fact that I once was a homosexual. I will boast that I am not perfect. I will boast in the everlasting grace that sent my life in a radically different direction. I will boast in Jesus. I will boast for God's glory to be shown throughout my story and my life.

So right now I'm in transition. My frustrations are melting away as I get closer and closer to the amazing reality of Jesus. I want Jesus' power and glory to ooze out of every crack/corner of my story. Because it surely wasn't my doing. It was all Jesus. 

I can positively say that my desires have since decreased exponentially again and I had my first real date with a woman this past weekend. It was super fun. I can't wait to see what God has in store for me. I just need to keep reminding myself that His grace is sufficient... even when I think it's not.

Links to the sermon and the article!

http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/same-sex-attraction-and-the-wait-for-change

http://www.fellowshipmemphis.org/media/the-gospel-and-gays/

Remember Who You Are

 
If you know anything about me at all, you must know that I'm a total Disney fanatic. I mean, I grew up with Disney. How could I not love it? My favorite movie is Peter Pan (just in case you were wondering). You can constantly find me quoting pretty much any Disney movie out there or singing a song from one of them. In fact, I'm pretty sure my mind associates real-life attributes to Disney movies when trying to deal with life.

Anyways, I was listening to this past week's sermon (we're studying 1 Peter) at my church and my pastor said, "Be who you are in Christ." The scene from The Lion King (in the clip above) quickly  flashed over my mind. My pastor was saying that Peter calls us to be holy. Now, he's not telling us what we should be doing. He's just saying, "Be who you are in Christ," which has a completely different view of how we should be living our lives. We shouldn't be thinking that God is making us a list of do's and dont's. He isn't making us work for Himself like some employer. That is a backwards view of the Gospel. We don't have to work ourselves crazy up some mystical ladder to reach God's approval because His approval is freely given to us. I don't have to make some checklist of things to do in order for God to love me more because regardless of what I do, He still loves me. That is amazing grace, people.

Now let's take a look at the video clip. Looking back at it, I've never noticed the (whether intended or not) biblical connections throughout the scene. If you know anything about The Lion King you know that Rafiki (the baboon) told Simba that he knew where his father was. Simba had forgotten who he was. Probably not literally, but he was avoiding going back and taking his place as the true King of Pride Rock.

When Rafiki told Simba to look down into the water and he didn't see his father, Rafiki tells him to look harder. I think that Simba was struggling with his identity, much like I have. It was hard for Simba to see who he really was because he was so blinded by his own view of himself. Simba was frustrated because when he initially looked into the water, he only saw the reflection of himself. It was only when Rafiki made Simba look harder, that Simba saw his father in his reflection. Rafiki says, "You see, he lives in you..." in which Simba's eyes were opened to the truth. That's a weird concept to imagine. The Holy Spirit (who is God) lives inside of we who are Christians. Wouldn't that seem to be a bit of an incentive to make sure we live in such a way that we glorify God?

However, I think we often forget that we are a reflection of God. We are so blinded by our own identities that we shape ourselves within a cocoon of various facades to hide our inner shame and guilt. This is not how God intended us to live. We were created in his own image (Gen. 1:27)! It seems so silly that we look to wordly things for our approvals/identities, when the only one that really matters is God. Don't get me wrong. I am in no means just talking to other people. I am figuratively slapping myself in the face as I type this. This message I am writing is just as important for me to hear as anyone else.

The scene from The Lion King goes on show an image of Mufasa appearing to Simba in which Mufasa says, "You have forgotten who you are and so have forgotten me. Look inside yourself, Simba. You are more than what you have become. You must take your place in the circle of life."

*Cue the beginning of the movie in my head.*

 "Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaants ingonyama bagithi Baba!"

 
I don't know about you, but there are several times when I forget who I am. I'm not a perfect Christian. There isn't such a thing. But what I know is that who I am is no longer a homosexual. Who I am is a sinner saved by the grace of God. I am a Christian. I am a child of God. I should never forget that, but the truth is, at times I do. When I forget these truths for myself, I tend to forget or stray from where I should be.

Simba goes on to say, "How can I go back? I'm not who I used to be." Now I may be taking this out of context at little (Simba's situation is a bit different from mine), but when I ask myself that question, chills run through my body. Why do I go back to my futile ways? If I'm not who I used to be, then why do I? Well, again, I fall short on a daily basis. I'm flawed in my walk with Christ. But I'm so thankful to have a God who still calls me His son (much like Mufasa says to Simba) even when I forget who I am.

Thank you, Jesus (and Disney).


Dear Jesus,

You are amazing and glorious and powerful. Thank you for your grace and mercy on me. I know that if it was me in your place, I would have already given up on someone who constantly messes up. Thank you for not leaving me. Please instill in my heart a desire to grow in you more and become more like you and to just be who I am in you. I love you so much for thinking of saving me from my sin, even when I will never be worthy enough to deserve it. Thank you for changing my life.

An update, of sorts.

I can't sleep. But it is understandable considering my mind is running on all cylinders between school starting, keeping up with my part-time job, and being the children's ministry director of a church plant. I have been a bit busy! Sorry I haven't posted in a while. Things are starting to pick up now, but that doesn't mean Jesus isn't there! My classroom is finished and school starts today. I'm incredibly excited to begin teaching these children and to be a light to them as best as I can be.

Recently, the pastor at my old church gave a sermon on the Gospel and homosexuality. I urge you to listen to it. It is beautiful, loving, and Biblically sound in how he approaches this extremely touchy subject. Again, please listen to it. Not only is it about the Gospel and homosexuality and what the Bible says about that particular sin, but he goes in depth also about what the Gospel says about ALL sin. It's pretty powerful stuff. Listen to it with an open and understanding heart. 

Anyways, the church was going to be having a Q&A session regarding the subject where they could answer people's questions on a more intimate and personal level. I felt a strong need to speak at this session, so I prayed to God for guidance in this situation for a while. I asked my pastor if he wanted me to give my testimony at the session. Of course, he thought that it would be a great benefit to the session to have someone who once was a member of the church and has struggled with same-sex attraction, so I drove down one night to speak. 

Let me tell you... It is much more frightening to give your full testimony in person than over a computer screen to thousands of people on social media who you don't even know. And this is coming from a person who is extremely comfortable with speaking with people and has been trained as a performer. I was still shaking in bones as I walked up to the pulpit to speak. My words were shaky as they flowed from my mouth and before I knew it, I was done. It was all a blur as I walked back to my seat. I had no idea how the congregation took my testimony or even if I made any sense. I am extremely self-conscious that my words are not enough to convey the feelings and thoughts of my mind as I compose them into sentences. God is slowly teaching me otherwise. After my adrenaline had subsided and my heart rate calmed, I actually started to truly listen to the questions and answers that were being given. 

One woman in particular was feeling completely lost in her situation as it was similar to my story except her perspective was a little different. I don't want to give too much detail about her situation as it is hers and not mine to tell. I immediately knew I had to chime in to the answer in addition to what both of my pastors were giving. I told her how, now that I look back on it, the people that God placed in my life to help lead me to Jesus (even when I was rejecting them and how angry and uncomfortable I was with them when they confronted me about it), that without their efforts of planting the seeds of the Gospel in my ears, I wouldn't be where I am today. And I can't seem to thank them enough. 

The reason I'm telling you this is because I think that we get bogged down when preaching the Gospel to seemingly unwilling hearts so much so that we begin to think our efforts are futile. 

Don't. 

If my friends and family didn't constantly preach the Gospel to me and care my spiritual resting place even when I didn't want to listen, those seeds wouldn't have been planted and I wouldn't have thought about it further. Those seeds wouldn't had a chance at catching the fertile ground and taking root in my life. And then the events that eventually led me to Jesus may or may not have led me to Jesus. Thank goodness that He has the bigger plans for my life. 

After the session I was bombarded by people who wanted to ask further questions of me (which I thought was silly considering we were all attending a Q&A session in which they failed to ask their questions to the much more knowledgable pastors... I chuckled a bit on the drive home). The woman who I spoke to came up to me and simply gave me a hug and told me that I helped her more than I would know. I gave her some more contact information in case she needed anything else and then she left. 

I was extremely blessed by being able to be there. It encouraged me to see all of my old community group friends as well as my pastors. I had missed them so much!!! 

Anyways. Here is the link to the sermon I was talking about. Again I urge you to listen with an open and loving heart. 

http://www.insidecrosspointe.com/sermons/sermon/2013-07-14/the-gospel-and-homosexuality
 

Here's a link to the Q&A session audio:

http://www.insidecrosspointe.com/sermons/sermon/2013-07-31/midweek-fellowship:-homosexuality-qa
 

Dear Jesus,

Thank you for being so much bigger than I am and knowing better than I do. Please allow my words and the words of my pastor be of influence to everyone I come in contact with. Thank you for the people that led me to you.Thank you for taking my sinful, dead body out from the depths of the ocean and breathing life back into my lungs. Thank you for your innumerable amounts of grace that you have given me in my life to use for your glory. Amen. 

Clay Pot

"But who are you, O man, to answer back to God? Will what is molded say to its molder, 'Why have you made me like this?'" 
-Romans 9:20

I have been reading "The Explicit Gospel" by Mark Chandler as a part of my internship for my church. While reading, I came across this verse. I love it when Scripture slaps you across the face. 

There has been multiple times in my life where I've silently asked God, "Why have you made me like this?" And I think most of the people in my situation have done the same. They would probably say that they would never have chose to have these desires. I certainly didn't. But alas, there I was... a homosexual. I can remember fighting with my mom (once she found out, of course) that this wasn't a choice. Again, I'll say it. Why would anyone want to be like this? To be ridiculed by society and to just not be normal. Even today I can still see how rational the argument is. But I fought and fought and fought. I was so naïve. And now I seem to chuckle inwardly at my lack of knowledge. 

Once I truly became a Christian, every thing was seen in a new light. And thank you Jesus for it. I realized that it truly is a choice. I wasn't trying to justify why I was like this. The choice seemed simple: do I choose to follow Jesus or do I choose to follow my own selfish desires? And honestly, I sound like such a hypocrite (hence the blog name) because I once believed that it wasn't a choice and now I'm choosing to believe the latter. My choice in not giving in to my temptations has focused my eyes on Jesus and not anything else. "Seek His face," my mom always would say. I once hated when she would say that. However, now I cherish it and preach it to myself, daily. 

I think that the reason this particular scripture hit me so hard was because I had constantly asked that exact same question. And honestly, who am I to ask that of God. The God who molded me into existence. The God who knew me before the foundations of the earth, no the universe, even!!! And I have the gall to ask Him such a question? I was utterly baffled at my personal revelation. I think that sometimes we forget that God is God and now some fairy god-father who will sprinkle his magic on us when He sees fit. 

Recently, my pastor during a sermon said something profound (at least, to me). He said, "Where your identity lies, there you activity will follow," or some semblance of that. Think of that. When my identity was in homosexuality, I acted like a homosexual. I lived the lifestyle. I fell into temptations on numerous accounts. It would only make sense then, that if my identity was in Jesus (something I chose to do), then my activities would follow suit. And they have. I want read my Bible and pray and grow closer to Him. I want to have closer relationships with my church community and serve in my church. I want to be a Godly representation and have my testimony reach as many people as possible. I think that is why I harp on identity so much, and yet some people still don't understand me. I was recently told, "Oh, you're just a good little boy now." No, in fact I'm trying to be a Godly man. Not just some person who is morally good or hiding my unmentionable sins with some facade of a Christian. I have not been brainwashed to think differently.  

No, I have been radically transformed through God's freely given and marvelous grace. I don't have to make a checklist of good deeds like reading my Bible, being a good person, going to church, or being in a community group. I don't have to work for God to love me more. And I can't do anything to make God love me less because His grace is just handed to me. People may say, "Then why do you do it?" And I will confidently respond, "Where your identity lies, there your activities will follow." 

Think of it this way: if your best friend jumped in front of a car to push you out of its way and died, wouldn't you spend the rest of your life in honor and reverence of your friend, making sure that you wouldn't taint their name in any way? Jesus did the same thing. He died on the cross for your sins. Not just past sins, but present AND future. If you knew that He did that, pushed you out of harms way and died for you... shouldn't you give Him everything? Wouldn't you want to make sure that His name is honored until you die? This is exactly how I see my relationship with Jesus. He saved me. Now I'm going to live the rest of my life in honor of His glorious and marvelous name. What about you?

Dear sweet and wonderful Jesus,
I am the clay and You are the Potter. Who am I to ask anything? "For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away" (James 4:14). I cannot thank You enough for what You have done for me. Please let the small time I have on this earth be for Your precious glory and not my own, for who am I?
Love, Casey

Wise Words from a Child

     I teach recreational gymnastics on Monday and Wednesday nights as a side job to teaching music in the classroom. I have this one boy in my class who is just the cutest thing in the world (it probably doesn't hurt his case that he has vibrant red hair). He loves Peter Pan (that's who he was for Halloween), superheros, and singing. I constantly catch him singing "Following the Leader" from Peter Pan or "Jesus Loves Me." Could he be any more sweet?! He is an excellent student, however, he has one problem. He has trouble with waiting to take turns. While this seems petty to us, I'm constantly having to remind him to sit down and wait his turn. This proves somewhat effective.
     At one point during the class he ended up cutting in line. I decided to set him aside and talk to him about patience and what it meant to be patient and wait his turn. When I asked him what patience was, he responded with words that were clearly beyond his years. He said, "Patience means waiting even when you don't want to." I was so taken aback by the simple wisdom of his words and started to tear up a little. I probably will never forget his words.
     I consider myself a pretty patient person. I mean, I work with children all day. I kind of have to be patient. Don't get me wrong, I can be extremely impatient if something doesn't go my way. Anyways, my student's words struck a chord with me in particular.
     I've recently been a bit down about my relationship status. I see tons of people around me getting married, having kids, or just being in a relationship. I feel like I'm about 10 steps behind all of them. I feel like I have this intimate and personal battle that has to be "fixed" before I can be in a relationship with a woman. And I'm glad that God has shown me my desire to be in a relationship with a woman regardless of my past. However, I just feel like it's going to get in the way of any potential relationship I have in the future. And I get annoyed that it doesn't seem like anything is happening. I've been impatient. I think that God used that little boy's words to remind me of my own impatience. As much as I want to be in a relationship, I need to be much more worried about my relationship with God. It's not in my timing, it's in His. And I think that is something that we all forget on a daily basis. I can't know what God has in store for me. But I can trust that He knows what is best for me... even if I don't want to wait.

"Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him;
 Do not fret because of him who prospers in his way,
 Because of the man who brings wicked schemes to pass.
 Cease from anger, and forsake wrath;
 Do not fret- it only causes harm.
 For evildoers shall be cut off;
 But those who wait on the Lord,
 They shall inherit the earth."
-Psalm 37:7-9

You're A Dog

I recently listened to a sermon about a particular story where Jesus essentially calls a woman a dog.

     "From there He arose and went to the region of Tyre and Sidon. And He entered a house and wanted no one to know it, but He could not be hidden. For a woman whose young daughter had an unlcean spirit heard about Him, and she came and fell at His feet. The woman was a Greek, a Syrophoenician by birth, and she kept asking Him to cast the demon out of her daughter. But Jesus said, 'Let the children be filled first, for it is not good to take the children's bread and throw it to the little dogs.' And she answered and said to Him, 'Yes, Lord, yet even the little dogs under the table eat from the children's crumbs.' Then He said to her, 'For this saying go your way; the demon has gone out of your daughter.' And when she had come to her house, she found the demon gone out, and her daughter lying on the bed."(Mark 7:24-30)

Jesus sounds kind of harsh. Here this woman, a Gentile, is begging for her daughter to be healed by Jesus. He responds by calling her a dog and that she isn't even worthy of eating the childrens' scraps of food. (The children here are meaning Jews). If you would call a woman a dog in today's age, just think of the consequences! But back in those days there definitely was a prejudice in regards to women and people who weren't Jews.

I think that it is also important to note that she approached Jesus begging being a woman AND a Gentile. She broke a lot of social and cultural rules to do this. That took a lot of courage. Notice something though. Jesus was being harsh and rude, yes, but not in a mean spirited way (He was perfect, so he must have known what he was saying). He was testing her. I think that Jesus' "rudeness" was His way of testing her faith because He could see her fear. And she knew who she was and how scandalous it was for her to be even talking to Jesus. So He said, "Let the children be filled first, for it is not good to take the children's bread and throw it to the little dogs." But instead of protesting Jesus, she humbled herself enough by agreeing with Jesus. She said, "Yes, Lord, yet even the little dogs under the table eat from the children's crumbs." Wow. To have her courage! She responded by saying that she would take whatever Jesus would be willing to give her, even if it's the scraps. She saw herself as someone in need of a savior and saw Christ as that savior. He was her only refuge and she also knew she was unworthy so she humbled herself before Him as we try (and often fail) to do every day. 

I think that the reason I relate to this story so much, is that she finds her identity in Jesus. She was so enamored by who Jesus was that she broke her social and cultural barriers because she identified in Him. And not only that, but she identified herself as one of the dogs. And Jesus, so surprised by her faith, heals her daughter of the demon. The sacrifice that she gave to be near and talk to Jesus speaks to me so plainly. There is so much of a social stigma towards the choice I've made. A lot of people still don't understand that I'm not a homosexual anymore. And to be honest, I still struggle with it when people keep assuming that I'm just hiding behind some facade. I've chosen Jesus and not my sinful flesh or who I was before choosing Him. She chose Jesus and not who she was before choosing Him. She accepted who she was and gave herself to Jesus. I am doing the same thing. I accepted that I was a homosexual sinner and gave it to Jesus. He is continually changing me day by day and I can't give Him enough of the honor and praise that He truly deserves. Thank you, Jesus.

We're all dogs looking for scraps. Jesus offers us a never-ending bowl of Purina Dog Chow if we choose to accept it.